


stray dogs are in love

by awastedream



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mafia AU, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2018-08-20 10:05:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8245225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awastedream/pseuds/awastedream
Summary: He Tian couldn't forget the red headed boy he meet when he was 15 years old, not for almost 15 years and when he start to move on, he sees him again at the hospital, next to his dear sister.





	1. Chapter 1

He Tian wasn’t expecting such a hurtful reaction from Red Head, it left him speechless and stoned. It was just a simple kiss, he just was making a fuss about it for nothing, it didn't mean anything. Nope, not at all. He knew the fact that this time he might have gone a little too far, after all it was Red Head's first kiss.

He was perfectly aware of the fact that the kiss was out of limits, but wouldn’t admit it no matter what. He always been doing things like that to him and Red Head never, not even once reacted like that. Not only him though, not anyone else reacted to him like that.

Boys and girls, they would always make a move on him, give him those flirty glances, that’s why he always thought nobody would refuse him, refuse his touch, find him “disgusting”, it was something he experienced for the first time, and his first time was with Red Head, he was the second person that made him feel like he was a disgusting human and he didn’t like that feeling.

Red Head had power over him, an effect that he didn't like, it was as if Red Head was controlling him. He Tian always found himself looking for him, wanting to tease him, see different facial expressions on him, break him, hurt him, see his smile, see him happy. He Tian wanted to know more about him, get to know him better.

He liked the fact that Guan Shan couldn’t say no to him no matter how much he was giving him trouble, because he needed money for his family, He Tian liked and was scared by Guan Shan being ready to do everything for the sake of his family.

He Tian was envious of the love Guan Shan had for his family, He Tian had never tasted how it felt like being loved by his family, he didn’t know how it felt to have someone that would do everything and anything for your sake.

He Tian had a big family, he has brothers and sisters, cousins and even nieces. He had a lot of people around him, but in his family there never was something called love; love was something that made you weak, love gave your enemies openings to attack you, to hurt you.

The only person in his family that knew about love was his beloved mother, but she couldn’t live a long life in a loveless house. His mother was like the sun, she was joy, she always had a beautiful smile on her face, her long black hair, her black eyes, her beauty was the reason his father fall for her. Sometimes He Tian thinks his mother’s beauty was also her curse.

Her beauty was the reason she had to marry a man she didn't even love; and yet, He Tian didn't even remember one single time that his mother said anything bad about his father. His father was almost ten years older than her and already had five children when he married his mother; Zu Ying, She was 23 years old when she got married, her father had money problems and he asked Wei Liang for help, Wei Liang fell for Zu Ying the moment he saw her, but there was someone that she loved, but they couldn't be together.

Zu Ying got pregnant after a few months of marriage and her husband’s love for her slowly died. To Wei Liang, she was something he needed to get and after he got what he wanted, he got sick of it.

But Zu Ying was still happy, she still had a beautiful smile on her face because she had the love of her child, her He Tian. She loved He Tian like she didn't love anybody else, she gave him all of her love.

His mother died when He Tian was only six years old, and with her death, he forgot about love. He ignored and forgot the fact that she killed herself, the fact that she could no longer live in that loveless house, in that dirty house, not even for the sake of He Tian.

He Tian wasn't mad at his mother, he was only hurt. He Tian knew for a fact that, at first, his mother wanted to run away with him, she wanted to raise him in a better place. In a place that he could be a good person, a person that could love... but his father made his mother kill herself before they had a chance to run away.

And since that day the only feeling He Tian knew was hate. He hated his father, his siblings, his family, his house and more than anyone, he hated himself. Because he couldn’t project his mother.

After he met Guan Shan, he started to remember the feelings that he forgot. He couldn’t ignore him no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t miss the chance of teasing him or messing up with him.

He loved seeing all the different expressions of Guan Shan, he was different from everyone around him. It was so easy to get him mad and He Tian loved how his face went as red as his hairs when he was furious. He Tian loved how he always talked shit and was ready to fight, but at the same time he could get easily hurt.

He Tian only realized it recently, but Guan Shan was different to what he wanted people to think. He had a shell around him to project himself, just like a tortoise.

A part of He Tian wanted to run after him and say the right words to make things better, make him forgive him.

But in the end, he couldn't, he was too stubborn to run after him and to be honest he had no idea what to say, he wasn’t good at comforting people, well, at least not with words.

And whenever he wanted to run after him, he remembered Guan Shan’s words, his teary eyes.

He Tian shook his head _“Shit..”_

 

                                                                                                            {*****-*****}

 

This day might be one of the worst days Guan Shan has lived so far. Not only had his first kiss been stolen by a guy that always messed around with him, but also She Li showed up at his goddamn house.

The offer wasn't really bad, to tell the truth. He was always looking for a way to get out of school. The school wasn't the place he should be at, he had to be on the streets, he had to find a way to gain money, he had to find a way to save his father and school was taking up all his precious time.

When his father went to jail for a crime he hadn't commit, Guan Shan's fate had already been written, and it wasn't a bright one. His father wasn't an innocent man for sure, he had been in jail before, he was a criminal but he wasn't a murder like some people liked to believe.

After the police caught him for a theft that a powerful yakuza clan made him do, his father made a deal with the police and sold some important yakuza members and even leaders. They were so mad at him they wanted to get revenge from Meng Da for selling them.

But Meng Da didn't regret what he did, he had already spend almost 10 years in jail for them, he didn't want to waste any more years from his life for them, he didn't want to stay away from his family because of them.

Meng Da did expect them to get revenge, but what he didn't think was that they would use his family. When he made a deal with the police, the only thing he asked was for protection for his family, his wife, his son and his daughter. Their safety was all he wanted.

But the police couldn't protect his sixteen years old daughter from yakuza. After school, they kidnap her, torture her, rape her and killed her. They left his daughter lifeless body at the front of their house.

Guan Shan's mother was the one who found his older sisters dead body, Guan Shan still remembered how his mother screamed, he still remembers how his mother cried.

Fang Yuan was such a beautiful woman, she looked very young but after her daughter’s death, she lived as a ghost for years, but she had to be strong for the sake of her son. He needed his mother and if she didn't get together all her strength and lived on, she would lose her son as well.

After the death of his older sister, his father started looking for the ones that killed her, he wanted to get justice and the police wasn't doing anything. They promised him to look after his family, to keep them safe; not only did they break this promise, but they weren't looking for killers either.

He had to do it on his own, if he wanted justice he would have to get it by himself. He wasn't planning to kill them. No, he didn't want to leave his family alone, not after what happened. His wife and son needed him more than anything.

After a while, the police found the dead body of the killers and blamed Meng Da. He wasn't guilty; he couldn't even find the slightest clue about them, although he had been searching for weeks. But the police had no doubt and send him to jail. There wasn't even any real evidence against him, but he couldn't get a good lawyer, due to money problems. He was sentence with 45 years in prison and his case ended like that.

Guan Shan didn’t doubt his father innocence, because he did promise him and his mother to be with them, he promised them he would be no longer work for them and that he would have an honest life for the sake of his family. He couldn't even talk to him, his father refused to see him and his mother.

He wrote a letter to them and said they should forget about him and live their lives the best way they could. Like hell Guan Shan could do that. How does his father even expect him to live his life when his father was in jail for a crime that he didn't commit?

No, Guan Shan doesn't regret accepting the offer, not even a little bit. He is very aware of his fate. He knows he won't be having a normal life that he only could dream of having one; the only thing he is thinking is about his mother.

He knew this would hurt her deeply, she had dreams for his future, she had hopes for his life. She didn't want to him to be like his father, she didn't want him to waste his life like his father did. She wanted him to live a better life for the sake of his sister as well.

And for this, Guan Shan tried his best to be the person his mother wanted him to be, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't run away from his fate. His fate followed him everywhere and made sure he couldn't have hopes.

When he go back home, the lights were off and the whole house was empty. Guan Shan remembered his mother saying something about having a late shift at the hospital.

His mother was a nurse that worked at a hospital close to their home. She already had a nurse diploma, but didn't work as a nurse until after his sister died. She had to take care of her troublesome kids and didn't had time to work but when she had more free time, she decided to work and having studied for years to become a nurse hadn't go to waste in the end.

There was a note for Guan Shan on the table; he took a look at the note.

_"There is food on the refrigerator and go to bed early. :) - mom"_

Guan Shan smiled at the note and went to his room, he wasn't feeling hungry and he was tried, all he wanted was to be in his bed.

It had been a tiring day, as if He Tian and She Li hadn't already been enough Jian Yi showed up out of blue and on top that he acted as if they were friends.

Guan Shan is pretty sure he heard Jian Yi saying they were friends. He knew Jian Yi was an idiot, but he didn’t thought he was a total idiot. Like did that idiot forgot what he did to this precious friend? Because of Guan Shan, Zheng Xi had to be sent to hospital. Did they forget about it? Had Guan Shan been forgiven? All of that was in past?

Guan Shan didn't understand how they could easily get over something like that, if it were him, then he probably would... In fact he doesn't know how he would act, he never had a close friend, he never had someone he could call a friend.

He only had acquaintances like She Li and some other, but that's all; they weren't his friends or anything close like it, they were just people who used him or wanted to use.

Then he also had He Tian in his life. He didn't know where he should put him. He wasn't a friend for sure, but he also wasn't only an acquaintance. He was more than an acquaintances but less than a friend.

He wasn't sure how he felt about He Tian. He didn't want to understand how he felt about him either. He was very scared of the thing he might be feeling.

The note He Tian give him was on the floor, Guan Shan picked up it again and read it one more, he probably read it more than ten times already and for some reason he couldn't stop reading it.

He imagine how He Tian smirking like he knew about this and even thinking of a smirk on his damn face was making Guan Shan mad, but it made him happy at the same time.

He couldn't help but fall for his goddamn charm. There was something about He Tian that made it impossible for Guan Shan to stay away.

Whenever he sees He Tian he knew trouble was to come, he would get mad about being near him, but it wasn't as bad as he wanted to believe. He Tian was both similar and different to the people around him. And only god knows why, but Guan Shan felt better and alive when he was with He Tian and that's why he didn't want to be near him, he wanted He Tian to stay away from him, because Guan Shan shouldn't feel good, he shouldn't feel alive, he shouldn't hope.

                                                                                                       

                                                                                                            {*****-*****}

 

The next morning at school, He Tian was very nervous. He wanted to see Momo but he also didn't want to see him. He was afraid of what kind of face Guan Shan would make when he saw him.

He couldn't believe he was being such a chicken, he didn't even remember when was the last time he was afraid of something that much.

It probably was two weeks after his mother death, it was raining heavily and the lightning would not stop. He wasn't afraid of lightning, but he wanted his mother to be next to him. He wanted his mother to hug him tightly, and knowing he would never be able to see her again was making him so scared.

Years after that he was feeling the same way once again, but this time it was because of Guan Shan. When did this boy became so special to him? He didn't have an answer, he only had questions without answer.

 _"He Tian."_ Jian Yi said. If you asked He Tian to make a list of people that he didn't want to see today, the face of Jian Yi would be at the top.

Well, in fact it would be the face of his brother but the possibility of seeing his brother at school or near his house wasn't high, on the other hand seeing Jian Yi was so high he was seeing him at the moment.

 _"Want anything?"_ He Tian asked and picked up cigarette, he wasn't a smoker, he only smoke when he was pissed or nervous like now, when he was both.

 _"Hmm,"_ Jian Yi nodded, " _it's about Red Head."_

When He Tian hear Guan Shan's nickname he was suddenly interested in what he is going to say.

 _"He is in trouble."_ Zheng Xi said, _“big trouble."_

 _"Of course, Zheng Xi was with him too, today had an amazing start."_ He Tian thought, he wasn't surprised at Guan Shan being in trouble, just when wasn't he in trouble?

 _"And you're telling me this because?"_ He Tian asked. He wondered about what happened, but that didn't mean he had to show his curiosity.

 _"Because you are the only one who could help him,"_ Jian Yi said. _"I saw him yesterday with She Li, do you know him?"_

 _"Of course, I know him."_ He Tian thought.

He was one of the members of a yakuza clan that was against He Tian's. She Li was trouble itself, why the hell did Guan Shan know someone like him?

Then he realized how little did he know about Guan Shan. No, he didn't know him at all, he didn't try to get to know him; up until now, all he did was mess around him, and all he knew about him was that he needed money for his family and that his father was in jail.

 _"I heard they were talking about taking someone’s place and be expelled from school."_ Jian Yi said.

 _"Be expelled from school."_   This would mean He Tian wouldn't see him like he was used to, that he couldn't do the thing he wanted to do with him.

 _"Only if he asks,"_ He Tian said, although he knows Guan Shan would never ask help from him, not after yesterday, but because of what happened yesterday He Tian should listen, hear Guan Shan asking for help from him. Because of what happened yesterday He Tian needed permission to get involved in his life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to She Li, he waked up from a dream he was about to fall into

_"What the hell are you doing here?"_ He Tian asked. He was already shocked seeing the face he hadn't seen for almost 15 years, and on top that he was next to the only person he cares about.

 _"Shut up,"_ Guan Shan walked toward He Tian, towards his old schoolmate, towards the person that left a deep mark on his heart _"you'll draw people's attention."_ Guan Shan whispered to his ears, he was covering He Tian's mouth with his hands.

In that moment, they shared their first touch in many years, it was the first time the saw each other after many years, as well as it being the first time Guan Shan touched him first. In fact, covering his mouth wasn't necessary, He Tian probably would have kept quiet even if he wasn't covering his mouth, he seemed like he was already too shocked to put two words together, but Guan Shan wanted to touch him, he wanted to feel his skin on his.

They were too close to each other, Guan Shan was too close to He Tian. The only sounds in the room were their breaths and the noises coming from the ICU devices.

They were in a private room so there weren't many people around, and it was already past 01:30 a.m. and it was a very slow day. It was as if they were the only ones in the whole hospital.

He Tian nodded his head and Guan Shan could see that in his eyes he was expecting Guan Shan to move his hand, but he didn't move, he was looking at his face, he was looking at the face that he couldn't see for years.

He had matured and the years that had passed made him such a fine man. He looked tired but his eyes were still burning, his soul remains the same, he hadn't changed not even a little; which was something that made Guan Shan happy, because if his soul hadn't changed he could hope that maybe some other things were the same as well.

He Tian was looking at his face with a confused expression, he couldn't understand what Guan Shan was doing, what he wanted, and Guan Shan loved that expression on He Tian's face. He never had a chance to see He Tian's troubled face before and he couldn't help but think that he was so cute.

Guan Shan switched on the lights and went back to the patient's side. She was a young and a very beautiful girl, she had long black hairs. He couldn't see her eyes because she was obviously sleeping or else why would she be in intensive care, right?

He was feeling sad for her being in intensive care when she was so young, but also he couldn't help but be jealous of her. He could easily tell the fact that this girl was someone very special for He Tian.

He wondered what He Tian would think if he knew how Guan Shan was feeling right now. Would he care? Would he think it's cute? Would he think it's too late? Or would he just laugh?

He wondered what would have happened if he had realized his feelings when he still had a chance to change his fate.

 

                                                                                                                               {*****~~*****}

 

By the time Guan Shan realized his feeling for He Tian, when he finally was brave enough to face what he felt for him, when he understood what the meaning of his feelings were, why he was feeling better and alive when he was around him, it was already too late.

When Guan Shan realized his feeling for He Tian, it was already too late. Guan Shan was so scared of facing his feelings for that dangerous guy. He Tian was a dangerous guy because of his looks and the way he handle thing. Not only because of that, but also because he was making Guan Shan feel things that he didn't want to feel.

Before he met He Tian, he didn't have doubts, he didn't have dreams, he didn't feel like he might have a better life if he tried and it would be better if he didn't try to get revenge for the sake of his father.

That's why Guan Shan always wanted to run away from He Tian, hide from him, but no matter how much he tried, somewhat he always find himself right next to him and that's why when an option came, Guan Shan didn't even think twice and accepted it. Not only because he thought it was his fate, but also because it was a way to stay away from He Tian, run away from him, a way to forget about him.

But nothing went the way he wanted, he got himself into such a huge mess that there wasn't a single day he didn't regret accepting it. He might felt better if he were able to help his father, but even after 15 years in the triad, he couldn't find even a single hint of his father's innocence.

They promised him many times that they would give him some information if he slept with some old clan leaders, or got some information about them, they even asked him to kill some people but even he had limits.

Sleep with old pigs? Disgusting, but fine. Be a spy? With pleasure. Kill someone? Hell no!

Guan Shan had promised himself that he would never kill anyone, he would never become a killer. Hurting people wasn't a problem, in fact he loved to beat some ass, even if it was only for him to get over his anger, but he didn't want to take someone else's life. He wasn't the type of person that had some rules to follow, but he did have one rule and it was "don't kill" and he wasn’t planning on breaking his promise ever.

When he was brave enough to face his feelings for He Tian, it was around when he saw him on TV. An announcer was talking about a famous triad leader and how his youngest son become a successful businessman, she even said it was a real inspiring life story.

The TV’s voice was low, but Guan Shan was able to hear the announcer woman's voice, he was in the middle of a job, or more like in the middle of having sex with a forty five years old faggot that like to have sex with young boys.

The faggot that had his dick inside of him might have looked like some powerful man, but in fact, he was a pathetic human being. He was a real gay that couldn't even get up with woman, but always acted like he was a real man and said all gays should die.

He came from a homophobic family and he was also a homophobic, but he liked to put his dick in young boys’ assholes. Guan Shan hated him with great passion and hated himself for letting a guy like him play with his body like he wanted, but it was something he had to do.

This homophobic gay was part of the police and they were filming them having sex to use it against him, and this was making Guan Shan feel a little better. He was moaning like a bitch and cried out Guan Shan's name and somehow it was making it seem like he was the one that was getting fucked.

That was when Guan Shan saw He Tian on the TV, more like a photo of him. He was in a black suit that you can tell was very expensive just by looking at it. They were in a cheap hotel room close to police station, hidden cameras were filming them and probably the police was listening to them.

This homophobic bastard might be a low life in Guan Shan's eyes, but to the police he was an important human, he had many contacts in the triad and they kept him safe only because of that. He had a deal with the police, but after that film, even the police could not protect him anymore and Guan Shan doubted they would dirty their hands for a human like him.

His forty five years old homophobic gay bastard customer's life would be over in no time and Guan Shan will watch gladly.

Then, his attention was drawn to the TV again, they were still talking about how great He Tian was and how he built an empire by himself. It would have been a fat lie if Guan Shan said he wasn't surprise to see He Tian become a honest businessman but he knew He Tian would be a successful person, he just thought he would be in the yakuza world, but He Tian had power to let that dark world behind him unlike Guan Shan.

His customer moaned loudly and shot his semen inside him, it wasn't their first time and Guan Shan had told him so many times, he shouldn't come inside, but thankfully he was wearing a condom so he didn't have to spend longer in the bathroom to clean his ass.

He was still lying on the bed, but Guan Shan was already dress up and ready to leave.

He looked at Guan Shan, he was still naked _"When will be the next time?"_ he asked, his voice was still shaking with pleasure, sometimes Guan Shan wondered if he was this bastard's only sex partner.

Guan Shan only laughed and slammed the door behind him.

                                                                                                                               {*****~~*****}

 

Guan Shan was checking the monitors, he could feel He Tian's prying eyes on him, he had so many questions but he didn't know how to ask.

 _"So, are you a nurse?"_ He Tian finally asked.

A _nurse_? It would be nothing but a dream. _"No, I'm not…"_ Guan Shan said.

 _"Then what? Are you a doctor? Or something like that?"_ He Tian asked.

Guan Shan didn't say anything, he only shook his head.

 _"Do you know what you are doing?"_ He Tian asked, the worry in his voice was heavy.

This person was more important to him than Guan Shan had thought.

 _"Clam down,"_ Guan Shan said. _"I do this every night."_ Guan Shan walked towards He Tian _"I might not be a doctor or a nurse, but I do know what I'm doing."_ Then he returned to the girl _"your girlfriend is in safe hands."_

Guan Shan seemed like he was offended, just like he did fifteen years ago when he stole his first kiss. "She is not my girlfriend, she is someone more important than a girlfriend." He Tian said, he actually wanted to say something nice to Guan Shan, but something inside him was holding him back.

 _"I see."_ Guan Shan said. He took his jacket _"I hope she gets better soon."_ and walked away.

He Tian left the room after him; two cars were waiting outside, one was for He Tian and the other one was for Guan Shan.

When He Tian saw a white haired driver, he was glad that he wasn't nice to him, after all everything was the same, Guan Shan was the same as he was fifteen years ago and more importantly he was still with him.

 _"You never learn, do you?"_ He Tian asked and walked towards his car.

Guan Shan didn't understand what he meant with that. Did he mean the life he was living? Or did he refer to the things he did? Did He Tian know everything Guan Shan did? Guan Shan hoped he didn't know. He didn't want He Tian to know how dirty he was.

Guan Shan watched him leave like a dog watched his owner leave him.

  
                                                                                                                               {*****~~*****}

  
The white hair driver was sick of waiting and came to get Guan Shan, an important customer was waiting for him.

 _"Was that He Tian?"_ asked She Li. His voice made Guan Shan remember where he was, who he was.

Guan Shan nodded.

 _"He looks fine, all these years did him justice and I heard he is a good guy now, in the bright side of the world."_ She Li said.

 _"So did I heard, and if I remember correctly it was you who told me that he would be leaving the triad world.”_ Guan Shan said bitterly. _“Oh, and you also added I should stay away from him.”_

 _"You need to get over it, you saw it yourself that he has a good life and doesn't need someone like you in his life."_ She Li said. _"You're too dirty for him."_ he took Guan Shan's arm and dragged him to the car with him. _"Let's get moving, you have a customer waiting for you."_

Thanks to She Li, he waked up from a dream he was about to fall into, before he lost himself in a dream, he was faced by his fate one more time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title change because this name will fit the story better


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He Tian sighed, "Why is everything happening in one fucking day?" he asked himself.

" _I don't want your help_ ," Guan Shan said with an emotionless expression. No one of them saw where he came from, " _I don't need your help_ ," he was talking about He Tian as if he was someone low, something disgusting, "y _ou're the only one person that I won't ask for help"_ He said it like he was cursing, " _Stay away from me._ "

" _Hmm_ ," He Tian got closer to Guan Shan, the way he walked toward him made his heart ache, but after what he did to him yesterday, his reaction was predictable, He Tian didn't expect Guan Shan to throw himself into his arms or actually ask for his help. Yes, it was what He Tian wanted to hear, what he needed to hear, but he knew he wouldn't hear those words. _"Well okay," he said it like he didn't care, "if that’s what you want_ "

It would be a lie if Guan Shan said that he wasn’t surprise that He Tian gave up so easily, but it was just like Guan Shan always thought, he didn't care about him from the beginning, He Tian was just playing with him, making a fool out of him. _"Good that you get it_ ," Guan Shan said and turned towards Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi "I _t's the same for you two, don't butt in my business_." He said and walked away, they watched him leave in silence.

Jian Yi was the one who broke the dead silence, " _Are we, are you really going to stay away?_ " he asked, he couldn't believe he was willing to leave things like that.

" _Don't be ridiculous, She Li is much trouble than he could ever handle, he probably can't think straight right now_ ," He Tian never, not even once thought that not helping him was an option, he did want Guan Shan to give him permission to get involved in his life, but just because he didn't get what he wanted it didn't means He Tian would sit still and watch him ruin his own life. _"That idiot still doesn't realize how much trouble he’s about to get into and I just can't watch it, after all I need a housekeeper and it's troublesome to look for another one."_

 

 

                                                                                                                    ||~~*~~||

 

 

He Tian was driving fast, the last two months were hell for him and it seemed like it wouldn't get better anytime soon. Firstly, his little sister committed suicide, she was the only person that He Tian got along with from his family, when he was little he had a good relationship with his brother, but the more he grew up the more they separated; as time passed, his brother, who he once loved so much, was becoming a copy of his father and he couldn't stand to watch his change.

He Tian loved his little sister deeply, she was so precious for him, he would do anything and everything for her sake, he would protect her from everyone; but his one and big mistake was that he always thought danger came from out of the house, but not from her own mind and heart, He Tian didn't realize that he had to protect his sister from herself.

And then there was a triad clan leader that call himself a business man and wanted to do a joint business with He Tian.

Although he said no, a few times, Chong Wang didn't stop bothering him. He was 45 years old and leader of a powerful yakuza clan, but he was also business man, as expected from a yakuza leader, he wasn't an honest one and for some reason he wanted to join his business with He Tian’s.

He Tian didn't even thought about it, thinking about it wasn't even needed; not only because he wanted to have a clean name, but also he promised himself that he wouldn't work with anyone from those world, he wouldn't get involved with anyone from those world. He wouldn't get ‘dirty’.

And this promise was the main reason why He Tian didn't look for Guan Shan for all those years; or rather, the reason why He Tian made this promise was because Guan Shan was working with yakuza, the fact that he was working under She Li, the fact that he choose to be with She Li.

He Tian was still bitter about the past, he was still hurt by the past; even now remembering the scene he saw was making him mad, and in 15 years, nothing has changed.

When He Tian saw Guan Shan a few hours ago in the hospital, he was happy, he was so glad to see him after so many years, he had tons of questions that he wanted to ask, he wanted to know what he was doing up until now, he wanted to take him in his arms, hug him 15 years worthy. There hadn’t been a single moment in his life that he hadn't thought of him and he wanted to tell him that, but there was something in his heart holding him back, telling him that he shouldn't do it, that he would be the one that gets hurts; and when he saw the white hair man outside, obviously waiting for that person, he was glad he didn't make a move.

He Tian stopped his fancy car, his mind was too busy to drive, he was afraid of causing an accident while driving like that. He knew he had to come to his senses, he knew he had to get over all those things, they were all in the past now, there wasn't a future for them, there wouldn't be a future for them.

Then he saw a few unread text on his phone:

**From: Secretary Shuang.**

Night, Mr. He Tian

But I think I should remind you one more time

that you have a meeting with Mr. Chong Wang tonight.

They will be waiting for you in their home.

I did send you address before

Please do not skip this one just like before.

**From: Secretary Shuang**

Also please do not forget that

you have a meeting at 10:30 tomorrow

Have a good night, Mr. He Tian.

**From: Secretary Shuang**

After evening, your friend Zhan Zheng Xi called me and said

he can't reach you and you should call him when you're free

it's not something important but has to talk with you.

He Tian sighed, " _Why is everything happening in one fucking day?"_ he asked himself.

He wanted to call Zhan Zheng Xi right way, but it was pasting 10 pm and he had to rush to Chong Wang's home. He still didn't want to go, but he knew that Chong Wang wouldn't give up until he had a talk with He Tian face to face.

 

 

                                                                                                                    ||~~*~~||

 

 

" _You're too quiet, tonight."_ She Li said and looked at Guan Shan. _"Is it because of him?"_

Guan Shan ignored the question, he wasn't going to talk about He Tian with him; he wasn't going to talk about He Tian when he was going to see a customer… to see someone that would fuck him " _Tell me She Li, who the hell is this important customer?"_ Guan Shan asked.

She Li made the face he makes when Guan Shan asks him a question that he doesn't like, Guan Shan felt like there was something fishy.

After a little silence, She Li started talking again, _"You don't need to know, all you have to know is you must please him well."_

Guan Shan hated when She Li talked like that, he knew he did it on purpose and tried not to let it get to him, but it always hurt. _"You don't have to tell me that, you know I always do my job well."_

 _"Job?"_ She Li laughed, _"Oh yeah, that's what people call whores now, right? Sex-workers."_

Guan Shan tried to calm down, he knew She Li was trying to provoke him to start a fight, he knew he was doing this so he could gain time until they reached the house. Guan Shan is pretty sure that the important customer is someone he doesn't like, but there were too many important customer that he didn't like and he had no idea which one of them was this person.

Guan Shan took a deep breathe, he was trying not to sound like he was angry, _"She Li, please tell me who the fuck is this customer?"_ he asked him nicely, as nicely as he could.

She Li took a look at Guan Shan, he was looking too calm, and it couldn’t mean anything good, he couldn't send him to a costumer while he was this angry, he had to find a way to calm him down, but he couldn't thinking of anything.

The only way was giving him what he wanted, but if he told him the name then it would cause even more trouble. Giving him the name was the only option and, thankfully, they were almost there; once they got to there, Guan Shan had no choice other than to obey them, he had nowhere to run.

She Li sighed, _"Chong Wang."_ he said looking at Guan Shan, he could see the fear in his eyes so clearly, and that he almost felt bad for him.

 

 

                                                                                                                    ||~~*~~||

 

 

Guan Shan had many customers and not all of them were nice people, some of them were pretty bad, had weird kinks or were too into S & M and Bondage, but none of them could comparable to Chong Wang.

He was the person that Guan Shan wanted to remove from his body and mind, he wanted to remove him from his life, from this world.

Guan Shan was asked by She Li's father to sleep with Chong Wang, he was a close friend of his and he was told that Chong Wang liked him a lot from the moment he first saw him, but Guan Shan never slept with someone other than for his job. He didn’t like doing it other than for its information, but She Li's father told him that if he did it then he wouldn’t have to worry about her mother's hospital bill anymore, they would take care of her until her last breathe.

After this promise, Guan Shan had no choice other than to accept what they wanted. It was going to be the first time that he would sleep with someone other than his customers, he was feeling too nervous, as if he was a virgin, he thought maybe it would be better because he was a friend, someone they knew, Guan Shan had never been so wrong about something before.

 

  
                                                                                                                    ||~~*~~||

 

His whole body was crying in pain, he couldn't even think straight anymore, all he could think was pain and that he probably would die soon. He would die in this luxurious hotel room while having toys in his hole, his body cover with semen, bites and bruises.

Everything actually started pretty good, they were in a luxurious hotel room, they had delicious food, watched people from the window, they looked so small, Chong Wang even said they looked like ants and that it seemed like he could kill them all with one foot.

Guan Shan sensed something dangerous from him, but didn't think much about it, after all he was a yakuza, a friend of the She family, he was likely to be a dangerous person. Plus Guan Shan was having a good time, he was 25 years old and for the first time he felt like he was having a date, he felt like a normal person.

They even danced for a little, for the first time he danced with a man like they were lovers and it felt really good, he felt loved and wanted, he felt like maybe this person didn't only want his body, his only goal wasn't to fuck him.

For the first time Guan Shan wanted to sleep with someone out of his own free will; then they went to bed, Chong Wang was awfully gentle with him, he was taking his time to prepare him, he was making sure he wasn't in pain, he was making sure he was having good time, he felt pleasure. Guan Shan hadn't had sex like this ever before, nobody treated him like an actual person, nobody cared about his body or his pleasure, and having a partner that cared about him was making him feel much better than he thought.

But everything was so fast that Guan Shan didn't even saw it coming, after they did it once, Chong Wang showed him another side of himself that left Guan Shan having nightmares.

 _"You had your pleasure,"_ Chong Wang said and bite Guan Shan's neck so hard that it bleed badly, _"Now, it's my turn."_ he whispered into his ears like the devil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for such a short chapter I promise the next one will be much longer I hope yall had fun while reading this chapter. 
> 
> Have a good day!! Stay safe and well until the next update ~


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What are you thinking?" Chong Wang asked, he was smoking, Guan Shan could tell from the smell and this gave him a nostalgic sensation.
> 
> "He Tian," Guan Shan murmured to himself, he didn't mean to say his name out loud, but the words slipped from his mouth.

Chong Wang was a man that always knew what he wanted, knew how to get what he wanted, he didn't mind dirtying his hands to get the things he wanted. He always had to try and work hard for what he wanted, life was never ever easy for him, since before he was even born, life had already cursed him with a cruel destiny.

He already knew he wouldn't be having an easy life like the other kids at his school when he learned that about his family, he always thought there was something wrong with it. His mother was the only child of a member of triad and his father was the son of a yakuza clan leader.

Chong Wang, even today, wonders how did those two even meet and fall in love. But them falling in love with each other was like a cheap love story that people always fell for when watching dramas, but never thought would happen in real life.

As a person that lived the real thing, he could say that it wasn't a nice experience, it was nothing like in those dramas. The reality was much worse, and being a part of a family full of mafia members made everything crueller. There was no such thing like mercy, he doubted those people even knew the definition of mercy, and being the real victim of their stupid love and desire was what Chong Wang hated the most.

And because he had to live most of his young years behind closed doors Chong Wang hated his family, he didn't want to be their son, he never loved his mother nor his father, they lived under protection of his grandfather from his father's side, because his mother’s father wanted them dead to clear his name and the shame his only child brought to his family.

Chong Wang didn't even care if his grandfather came and killed them all, he already hated every single part of his life, he hated the house they had to live in, it was very small, cheap and smell horribly, although his grandfather was rich and willing to help them, even if his son went against his word and married the woman that was no good for the family, but Chong Wang's father was stupidly proud and didn't accept any help from his father other than protection.

Even though Chong Wang was only 9 years old then, he still remembered how much it made him hate his own father, he couldn't stand the fact that his father refused to give his family, that he was saying he loved the most, a better life only because of his pride. What’s the point of pride when you are hungry? What is the point of pride when you are shaking to your bones at home? Chong Wang realized that you can only have pride when you have food and a warm bed.

  
                                                                                                                   ||~~*~~||

  
Guan Shan had imagined his own death a lot of times, not because he wanted to die, but when you're Chinese and work for the yakuza, even if you didn’t want to, you would have a lot of enemies that wanted to kill you.

Not only Triad members, but also his neighbours that would think he was betraying his own people. That’s why being part of the underworld made Guan Shan imagine his own death.

As anyone would expect, it wasn't a pleasant thought. Being a faithful person or not, thinking that one will go to an obscurity gives you an unpleasant feeling, it scares anyone in a way that one rarely know, it makes you feel fear and thinking what will happen to the people that care about one after one dies makes everyone’s heart ache.

As for that, Guan Shan was lucky, he didn't have anyone that he loved that would feel sad for his death, he had no one that would cry for his sake, he had no one that would pray for his dirty soul, all his loved ones already left the mortal world long ago.

His beloved sister had died when he was a little boy, his father, for who Guan Shan had gotten into this world, had killed himself after he learn ugly truth about his son becoming a whore, he became a person that gave his ass to other man for information and his father probably couldn't handle having a son like him.

And his mother that he loved more than anyone and who already had health problems after her daughter passed away, got worse after her husband went to jail, it got to a critical state, she had a heart attack, the doctors who were her work-friends did everything they could to save her, but the damage in her heart was too grave to fix, they told Guan Shan, she was in a coma and that she would never wake up.

Even though doctors told Guan Shan over and over again that there was no hope and that it was just a waste of his money and that it would make him suffer more, he still had hope, he had hope his mother would wake up one day, hope was all he had and after all her mother promised him that she would never leave him alone.

That's why Guan Shan didn't let the doctors turn off her plug, they told him keeping her alive like that would cost him a lot of money, but Guans Shan didn't care, he didn't care about how many more customer he had to sleep with, he would do anything and everything to get money to keep his mother alive.

But right now, in this room, Guan Shan thought he would die, his whole body was aching in pain, there were sex toys in his asshole and it was hurting him more than anything else ever did, his body was covered with semen of that man he wished he had never met.

Guan Shan had so many partners in bed before than him, he had been using his body to get money since he was 17 years old, and he had some customers that liked that kind of games, but none of them took their fore game that far, his eyes were connected, he was in the dark and all alone, which is what Guan Shan hates the most, Chong Wang was whispering some stuffs into his ears, Guan Shan had stopped listening to his words long ago, after all they were all insults but they weren't lies.

"You're such a whore," Chong Wang whispered to Guan Shan's ears, he leaned on towards Guan Shan's back and pushed another sex toy into his asshole, Guan Shan cried out in pain, he felt like his body would break apart real soon, his hands and legs were tied up, but at this point, it wasn't even needed, he didn't have any strength left in his body to move at all.

Guan Shan lost hope in getting out of the room alive, he was sure he would die in this room, and thinking about dying like this made him feel disgusted with himself, he had never thought about dying like this, in his thoughts he died with a knife or gun, which is was so much better than dying while having sex toys in your ass.

Guan Shan closed his eyes, this darkness was much better than the one when his eyes were open, and he started to imagine how his life would have been like if he had taken He Tian’s hand and gotten his help. There was no doubting that his life would be much better than this one and he probably wouldn't be in this room, with that man, if he were with He Tian.

Even thinking about He Tian made his heart soft and took away some of his pains. After spending years watching him from afar, Guan Shan couldn't help falling for the man He Tian had become. When they were younger he wasn't sure about his feeling for He Tian, they probably weren't more than simple admiration of youth, after all he was too young to know anything about love and He Tian was the only one person that acted like he cared about him /other than his mother/ He Tian was the only one person that was actually looking at Guan Shan and Guan Shan did like the attention He Tian gave him.

It would be a lie if he said he always liked the attention, because the way He Tian showed his interest wasn't the best way to do so, after all he was mean and cruel towards Guan Shan most of time and it confused Guan Shan's mind a lot then, he wasn't sure if He Tian was playing around with him, or if he was serious about him. They might have been too young to have something serious, but Guan Shan had no time back then.

Chong Wang was only two feet away from Guan Shan, he had moved a bit away to see his masterpiece he made of Guan Shan, this was the first time someone could handle that much, most of his pieces were passing out in the middle of the fun and left Chong Wang unsatisfied, but Guan Shan was much stronger than the others, his strength went beyond his expectations.

Chong Wang didn't want to let go of him, now that he had found the person he was always looking for, he didn't want let go of him and for him to be someone’s else, he didn't want anyone else to touch his body, he made such a breath-taking sight, he wanted to keep Guan Shan in his room, by his side, forever and even after.

The only problem was that Guan Shan wasn't having fun, he was crying out every time he touched his soft skin, he lost his voice from screaming so much, there were bruises on his wrists from wanting to get out of ties.

Then, Chong Wang saw a subtle smile on his face, it might have not been a big one, but it was sincere, the first real smile since he stepped in the hotel room, Chong Wang knew it wasn't because of him, and felt his blood boiling with anger like it hadn't ever before, he wanted to know what caused his masterpiece to smile like that.

Chong Wang took a cigarette and put it between his lips, he lighted it up with the lighter his grandfather gave him when he became the head of his clan.

"What are you thinking?" Chong Wang asked, he was smoking, Guan Shan could tell from the smell and this gave him a nostalgic sensation.

"He Tian," Guan Shan murmured to himself, he didn't mean to say his name out loud, but the words slipped from his mouth.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took so long to update this and it a short chapter!! I really don't have a good excuse for this but I'm busy with writing another fic and I will write some fics for upcoming tianshan week so I probably wouldn't have time. 
> 
> I'll try to write a longer chapter next time, there is lots of things to write!!
> 
> btw this is the past, 5 years before, just saying if it wasn't clear.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She Li shook his head, "Look, it's just a one-time thing," he sighed, "I will be by your side and I promise you, he won't lay a finger on you."
> 
> Guan Shan laughed bitterly, "What makes you think that I would believe a word coming from your goddamn mouth?"
> 
> She Li shrugged, "I don't know, maybe because I was the one that saved you that night?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! I think timeline wasn't clear so I'll add "___ years ago" in flackback parts!!

_**5 years ago** _

 

Chong Wang flicked his cigarette at Guan Shan and thrusted his cook into Guan Shan's hole as soon as he heard the name of another man from Guan Shan's lips, "Say that name again," Chong Wang said, his voice sounded angry.

"It hurts," Guan Shan was able to say, his voice was so low that he wasn't even sure if Chong Wang could hear him. He wanted to raise his voice more, he wanted to fight back, he wanted to get out of the room, he wanted the day to end.

"I can't hear you," Chong Wang said and thrusted his cook even harder, he was hitting Guan Shan's insides so hard and strong that his hole start to bleed, "Say that name again," Chong Wang felt ridiculously defeated by that man named He Tian, although it was him who was fucking this beautiful creation.

Chong Wang had watched, stalked, Guan Shan for such a long time that he could not tolerate sharing him with anyone, after he hold him, after he got to know him well, he wasn't going to let anyone lay a finger on him other than himself.

"S-stop, " Guan Shan said with the last strength he had on his body, everything turned black and he passed out.

 

                                                                                                                          ||~~*~~||

  
"Let me help you," He Tian's voice echoed in Guan Shan mind. "Let me save you," it wasn't an illusion, He Tian's voice, his words weren’t one of Guan Shan dream that he wanted to be real. No, he might have been in such great pain at that point that he couldn't differentiate between reality and his imagination, but Guan Shan knew that was a memory.

 

                                                                                                                          ||~~*~~||

  
_**15 years ago** _

 

As soon as Guan Shan got out of his apartment, he saw He Tian standing next to a tall tree standing right in front of Guan Shan's apartment. Guan Shan was very surprised to see him at such an early hour in front of his house on a weekend morning, he didn't know about He Tian's daily routine, but he knew that He Tian didn’t wake up early on the weekends ever since he went to clean his house.

  
But he still had no idea why He Tian was there, what he wanted, he didn't know the answers to these questions and even if it seemed like he came because of Guan Shan, that idea didn't cross his mind, mostly because of what happened the day before at school, he didn't think he would do such a thing.

He Tian was too stubborn, did everything as he pleases, but he also had pride bigger than everything, and after the way Guan Shan talked to him, he thought that he made it clear that he didn't want He Tian to butt in his business. He didn't want his help, he didn't need his help.

That’s why he thought it was only a very inconvenient coincidence, and thought about walking away without even looking his way, he thought it would be the best if he didn't pay any attention to him, but it was almost impossible when He Tian was looking directly to his apartment, directly looking in his way. Guan Shan shook his head, "Fuck," he said to himself in a low voice, and walked next to He Tian.

After only a few steps he was standing next to He Tian, the sun was still down, and it was very chilly outside, he couldn't tell from away, but it seemed like He Tian hadn’t slept at all. Guan Shan couldn't help but wonder since when the boy was standing there.

"What do you want?" Guan Shan asked, he didn't want to waste his time asking pointless things, "Why are you here?"

"Good morning to you as well," He Tian said, with that cocky grin of his.

"Please, say what you want and leave," Guan Shan said, he didn't wake up that early to have a long ass talk with He Tian, he had stuff to do, he had to go and take his mother from the hospital, visit his sister's grave and send some money to his father, "And make it short."

"Okay, okay," He Tian sighed heavily, "I'm here to give you a second chance," he said and got a bit closer to Guan Shan, "You're getting your ass into something much bigger than you can handle," He Tian said, and lighted up a cigarette.

Guan Shan made a disturbed face after sniffing the smell of the cigarette's smoke, since he was a child he wasn’t good with that smell, "I'm doing pretty fine," Guan Shan said, how many times would he have to say that he didn't want his help for He Tian would stop trying. He couldn't even believe he came here only to say that to him, "I know She Li, I can handle him, thanks for your unwanted concern but just leave me alone."

He Tian took a deep breath of his cigarette and blew out the smoke to Guan Shan's face, he took a long look and threw his cigarette to the ground and crushed it with his right foot, "Let me help you," He Tian said, his eyes were almost begging him, his eyes told Guan Shan that he was about to ruin his future, "Let me save you."

 

                                                                                                                          ||~~*~~||

 

**_5 years ago_ **

 

Chong Wang didn't stop thrusting his cook even after Guan Shan passed out, he took off the sex toys from his hole, because they weren't giving him as much space to move as he’d like. Guan Shan was lying on the bed, like a lifeless body, but he didn't care, as long as he kept breathing, he didn't plan to stop, he wanted to rewrite everyone that touched this beautiful body, he has to do it.

Guan Shan's body was covered with so many, bites, new bruises that were turning purple slowly, with every thrust of Chong Wang, Guan Shan bleed harder, so much that he come to his senses because of the pain, he felt like his hole was ripping apart, he felt like he was going to die. "Kill me," Guan Shan pleaded, after so long his voice sounded very loud, he wanted to die if it meant this would come to an end.

Chong Wang lean on towards to Guan Shan's head, "You're not getting away from me that easily," he whispered into his ear.

 

                                                                                                                          ||~~*~~||

 

He Tian stopped his car in front of a siheyuan that looks very sumptuous, and now he was sure this was going to be a long night, He Tian already knew that Chong Wang wasn't a person that he could handle easily like he’d do with other people.

He opened the car’s door, took his phone and keys, he took a deep breath, he was getting unpleasant vibes from the siheyuan. A part of him, a big part of him, didn't want to step into this place.

 

                                                                                                                          ||~~*~~||

 

Guan Shan looked at She Li's face with a blank face, "There is no way, I'm going to see him, there is no fucking way," Guan Shan yelled and tried to hold the steering wheel, She Li lost the control of the car and almost hit a wall, but he was able to turn the car to the other side at the last second.

"What the fuck are you doing?" She Li yelled at Guan Shan, "Are you fucking out of your mind?" he just couldn't believe what was he about to do, "Do you want to die?"

Guan Shan looked at him with the same face again, "I prefer to die than see that pig's ugly face ever again."

She Li shook his head, "Look, it's just a one-time thing," he sighed, "I will be by your side and I promise you, he won't lay a finger on you."

Guan Shan laughed bitterly, "What makes you think that I would believe a word coming from your goddamn mouth?"

She Li shrugged, "I don't know, maybe because I was the one that saved you that night?"

 

                                                                                                                          ||~~*~~||

 

_**5 years ago** _

 

"Kill me," Guan Shan repeated, "JUST FUCKING KILL ME," he cried out.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Chong Wang rolled his eyes and pulled Guan Shan closer, "I'm not going to let you go, I'll keep you here, I'll make you mine, and only mine," Chong Wang attempted to press his lips against Guan Shan's, but he turned his head to the other side, he didn't want to kiss this old man every again, Guan Shan didn't want his lips to meet with his.

Chong Wang grabbed him from his short red hairs, Guan Shan cried out in pain, he pressed his lips against Guan Shan's again and kissed him with great force, "You are mine," Chong Wang said.

Chong Wang's cook was still inside of Guan Shan, he was still in his body, and Guan Shan felt like he was about to puke, he just couldn't stand the fact he was still connected to this disgusting man.

Chong Wang pushed Guan Shan against the bed again, and he finally pulled out his cook, he got out of the bed and took something from the table that Guan Shan couldn't see, the only part of his body that Guan Shan could move were his eyes.

He was searching for a bit of strength left in his body to move, but there was nothing, no matter how many times he told his body to move his body wouldn’t listen to him, it wasn't taking orders from Guan Shan, his body left him all alone in that room, as if it was telling him that this wouldn’t happen if he took better care of himself.

Chong Wang was only a few steps away from Guan Shan, he was still lying on the bed, fully naked, his whole body was crying in pain, and his mind was becoming dizzy again, he could smell his own blood coming from his lower half and He Tian's face kept appearing before his eyes, "Let me help you," his voice was in Guan Shan's ears, "Let me save you."

"Help me," Guan Shan murmured to himself, "Save me."

  
                                                                                                                          ||~~*~~||

  
"Finally," Chong Wang said, "my long-awaited guest," and welcomed He Tian with a warm smile that made He Tian feel like this night was going to be even worse than he had thought.

Chong Wang was waiting for He Tian with a few men, although He Tian couldn't fully see inside of the siheyuan yet, from what he could see, the siheyuan looked much beautiful on the inside than it did on the outside.

A middle-aged man walked towards He Tian, "You don't know how long I waited to welcome you in my home," Chong Wang said, "Let’s go inside, it's getting cold."

He Tian nodded, a sudden strong wind made him shake to his bones, "I don't have much time but fine." He Tian said, there was nothing else he had to do that night, but he didn't want to make a deal with this middle-aged man, he didn't want to become partners with him, didn't want to waste his time with him.

Chong Wang waggled his eyebrows, "Don't be like that," he looked at his watch, "There is a surprise coming for you soon, you’ll be thrilled."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I promised for a longer chapter but this one is short too :(
> 
> the next chapter will be about how she li saved guan shan and the guest that for he tian


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He Tian was getting creepy vibes from the old man, and he didn't want to play along with whatever this man was planning to do, "Look, I don't have much time, I don't wanna play your sick game," He Tian sighed, he had seen enough men like him to know how they are like.
> 
> "I think," Chong Wang opened the television and put a cd in, "you will be staying."

_5 years ago_

Guan Shan was about to pass out, again, when he heard the sound of the door opening and someone calling out his name. A deep voice that he wasn't very familiar with, at first Guan Shan thought it was just an illusion.

A wish of his that would save him from that devil, but when someone else other than that man touched his bare skin, he could tell they weren't Chong Wang from the way they touched him, he become sure it wasn't just a wish.

He could barely keep his eyes open, his vision was too burly to tell who was the man standing next to him, he could only see whitish hair, "He Tian?" he murmured again and closed his eyes. Although he knew the man wasn't He Tian, he wished to see him in his dreams, and forget the reality of being saved from a devil by another one.

"No," She Li answered, although he knew Guan Shan probably wouldn't hear him.

Guan Shan looked like a total mess, his whole body was covered with semen, sweat and blood. She Li had seen Guan Shan after having troublesome customers, but this was absolutely the worst. "This is my fault," She Li admitted silently.

She Li took a blanket and threw it to cover up Guan Shan's bare body, he turned his head towards one of his men that he had come with, "Take him to my car," he commanded, "I will come right away."

Four of his men were trying to hold Chong Wang back with all their strength, He might have been a middle-age man, but he was still stronger than almost everyone in the room, while Guan Shan was taken out of the room by the man She Li had commanded.

The man held Guan Shan in his arms, which was something that made the middle-age man even angrier, "DON'T TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME," Chong Wang cried out, probably everyone in the floor had heard his voice.

"I'LL MAKE YOU ALL PAY FOR THIS," Chong Wang threatened them, the anger in his eyes and voice made the men holding him back tremble in fear, "GIVE HIM BACK TO ME," She Li was smiling smugly, unlike his men, and it made Chong Wang even more pissed. It wasn’t only because they were taking his Guan Shan away from him, but because someone like She Li was looking down on him.

She Li felt a bit guilty about Guan Shan, But he was pretty pleased seeing Chong Wang like that, no self-control, pure rage… he had finally found one of his weaknesses. Years of waiting and he finally found one. It was ironic that they shared the same weakness.

"You won't see his face ever again," the smile on She Li's face was so great that even his men were surprised to see it when he said those words, "I will make sure of it."

 

                                                                                                                       ||~~*~~||

  
The inside of the siheyuan was not too different from the outside, everything looked expensive, too expensive in fact, "Please, make yourself at home." Chong Wang said, and walked towards the television.

He Tian was getting creepy vibes from the old man, and he didn't want to play along with whatever this man was planning to do, "Look, I don't have much time, I don't wanna play your sick game," He Tian sighed, he had seen enough men like him to know how they are like.

"I think," Chong Wang opened the television and put a cd in, "you will be staying."

 

                                                                                                                       ||~~*~~||

 

She Li stopped the car in front of Chong Wang’s siheyuan and waited for Guan Shan to breathe again, "I know it's difficult for you to face with him again," She Li sighed, he had no idea how to make Guan Shan come with him, after all, he didn't want them to meet up again.

Guan Shan turned his head towards She Li "You don't know shit," he took a deep breath, "you don't know what kind of hell I lived that night, you don't know how much I wanted to die, just to end the pain."

She Li still remembers that night, how Guan Shan's body looked like, he was so lifeless, cold, as if he was a corpse, and he knows Guan Shan has some unhealed scars in his body from that night. "If you come with me, I will let you see He Tian."

Guan Shan froze and stared at She Li with wide eyes, "What the hell are you saying?" after getting over the initial shock, "Weren't you the one that told me he didn't need a low life like me in his life?"

She Li sighed, "You don't need to tell him everything about you, because if you do, it would bring him trouble and nothing else," he pressed his lips together, it was annoying him so much to admit it but, " You need to see him, right? You feel much better when you see him. You smiled tonight, after so long."

"No," Guan Shan shake his head, "No, I can't," She Li was right about him feeling better, he only saw He Tian, hear his voice, for half an hour after five years, but it was enough to make him feel better. "I can't go back to his life, not after what I’ve become."

She Li cursed, and gripped Guan Shan's hold and pull him closer to himself, "I thought if I was nice you would play along, but it seems like you won't," he opened the car’s door with his other hand, "If you don't move your beautiful ass now, I'm going to see He Tian, and will tell him about everything you’ve done in these five years," he raised one eyebrow, "how about that?"

 

                                                                                                                       ||~~*~~||

 

"I don't have time to watch anything," He Tian was getting pissed off because of the behaviours of this man, he wasn't hearing any of He Tian's words, he didn't care what he was saying, only focused on his own world, and what he was planning.

Chong Wang took the remote control, and made He Tian sit near to the television, " This is something I recorded, a few years ago," he sat next to He Tian, "Five years ago to be precise, the ending is not good, but the actor was very talented,"  
Chong Wang pressed the play button.

After a moment, a room appeared on the television, it was a hotel room, it was very easy to tell, plus it was a hotel that He Tian often staid in when he came back to China.

The focus of the camera was from the back, it was kind of hard to tell what was going on, the only thing that he could see was there were two men on the bed, both of them were naked, and one of them was tied up to the bed. "Why are you making me watch this?" He Tian asked, he had no interest in watching sex tapes that the old bastard recorded.

A smug smile lightened up Chong Wang's face in the worst way, he looked so ugly that He Tian didn't even want to look at his face. Chong Wang wasn't an ugly man, in fact he was pretty handsome, but there was something fishy about him, "You will see why I'm making you watch this soon."

He Tian sighed, if he wanted he could leave the room, walk out and not look behind, there wasn't a reason stopping him from leaving, no, but a voice inside his head was telling him he should stay. "I really don't feel like watching sex tapes."

Chong Wang shook his head, "This isn't just a sex tape, it's mine," the focus of the camera began to change, "Not only mine though," a redhead began appearing more clearly on the television, "It's mine and Mo Guan Shan's."

 

                                                                                                                       ||~~*~~||

 

_Five years ago_

Guan Shan was in a car when he finally opened his eyes, his bare and cold body was covered up with a blanket, it wasn't making his whole body feel warmer, but it was enough to keep him away from freezing, "Who are you?" Guan Shan asked, from his position, it was impossible to see the face of driver.

"It's me, She Li," he said, he didn't take of his eyes from the road, "Seem like Chong Wang fucked you pretty bad," She Li could see the disturbed face of Guan Shan before his eyes, although he wasn't looking his way.

"Why did you come?" Guan Shan asked, when he agreed to see Chong Wang, they made a deal, him not coming back and staying with Chong Wang until he didn’t want him any longer was a part of it.

"My father changed his mind, losing his precious source of information was too much for him to bear," She Li lied, and Guan Shan didn't question his words because She Li was always good at lying. It wasn't a complete lie though, it was true that his father had changed his mind, only not because of his own will, but because She Li had pushed his own thoughts into his father's mind.

She Li had never, ever, thought about giving Guan Shan to Chong Wang, it was out of the question, he wasn't going to give up easily, just because a close friend of his father asked, after all the things he had done, to keep Guan Shan by his side, not even if it was someone as crazy as Chong Wang, he wouldn’t do it. He hadn’t even given him to He Tian, and Chong Wang wasn't going to be an exception.

"Thanks for thinking my hole is that precious, I guess." Guan Shan said as if he was cursing She Li's whole family.

"You're welcome," She Li without meaning any harm, for the for time been, he didn't mean to hurt him, he was just speaking up without thinking and he ended up saying words that he didn't mean to, but it was already too late to be nice, "But, you better pay us back for this."

Guan Shan didn't want to waste his breathe speaking with him any longer, his whole body was still aching in pain, and whenever he opens his mouth to speak, the pain got worse, he turned his back to the other side, the car wasn't big enough to move as he pleases, - even if the car were, he still couldn't move his body like he wanted, though -, but he was still able to turn around.

He covered his head with the blanket, he closed his eyes, Chong Wang’s face appeared before his eyes after the darkness, and he immediately opened his eyes again in great fear. He was breathing heavily, but he tried to keep his breathe lightly, he didn't want She Li to hear his fears, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes again. He prayed to see He Tian, to see his face, to dream of an alternate universe where he didn't drop out of school, where he took the He Tian’s helping hand, finished high school, of a universe where he even had gone to university, an alternate universe where his sister lived, his father lived, his mother was well again, and he is far away from any pain, an alternate universe where he was happy to be alive.

 

 

                                                                                                                       ||~~*~~||

 

Chong Wang raised the volume even more, the crying noises Guan Shan made echoed in He Tian's ears, a horrible sound that he would hear in his nightmares, Guan Shan was begging Chong Wang to stop, just to stop, even to kill him, he looked in such a great pain, this absolutely wasn't a sex tape, this was rape.

"CLOSE THIS FUCKING SHIT," He Tian roared and stood up as soon as he saw Guan Shan passing out and bleeding badly.

Chong Wang's smug smile faded away after he saw how angry He Tian had become, he didn't like when people got mad like that in front of him, he didn't like having anyone else around that would damage his domination, "No," Chong Wang said with such a calm voice it got to He Tian's nerves even more, "Not yet, my favorite part didn't come yet."

"You old scum," He Tian cursed and attempted to grip Chong Wang's collar, but his men that were with them in the room, were faster than He Tian and they grabbed He Tian's arms before he was able to touch the old man.

"Calm down," Chong Wang stood up slowly, he moved slowly and he had the face of a man that didn’t care about anything. His behavior made He Tian even madder, this was what Chong Wang wanted to see, the angry face of He Tian, but his mind was too messy to think straight.

"I'm going to kill you," He Tian promised himself, he was going to kill that bastard that dare to hurt someone as precious as Guan Shan, and because of that he deserved to die, He Tian hadn’t even beaten anyone in almost ten years, but this old bastard was going to be the first person he killed. He didn't even try to shove off the men that were holding him, he was trying to calm down, he had to think, he didn't want his anger to get the best of him and make him do things he would regret afterwards.

Chong Wang sighed, he didn’t take He Tian’s threat seriously, not because he didn’t think He Tian couldn’t do it, because he knows, if anyone was capable of killing him it was He Tian, but not now, not when he had people very dear to him. “Why are you angry about this? Is it because I fucked him before you? Is it because I tasted him before you could? Is it because I know more about him than you do? Because I know sides of him you’ll never know?”

He Tian curled his lip in disgust, "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm angry because you RAPED him," He Tian couldn't even believe the man thought he was angry because he was jealous of him.

Chong Wang gasped, "R-rape?" his men were holding He Tian a few steps away from him, but he closed the distance between them, "This," he turned his head towards the television, he was thrusting into Guan Shan's hole even harder, "this act is simply rough sex."

He Tian wanted to squeeze his neck until he was out of breath, "No matter how you look at it, it’s rape," He Tian said, his voice come out too calm, it even surprised him.

Chong Wang shake his head, and walked a bit away from He Tian, "You know, it wasn't his first time doing such a thing" Chong Wang grouched, "The whole town has fucked him over and over again, I wasn't his first, nor his last," Chong Wang was walking around himself, "although I wish I had been," he murmured.

 

                                                                                                                       ||~~*~~||

  
He Tian and Chong Wang were in a deep silence, they both stared at each other with virulent eyes, the only sounds in the room was coming from the television, the crying sounds of Guan Shan were the only thing that could be heard.

"The guest are here," said one of Chong Wang's men that had just entered the room.

Chong Wang nodded, "Let them in," and he turned his head towards the television, "Just in time." He walked towards the door to welcome his guests, his men were still holding He Tian tightly.

"Tell them to let me go," He Tian said with a raw voice, he didn't know who was coming or actually cared, but he didn't want to be seen like this, somewhat he felt like an animal that had to be controlled.

"No," Chong Wang refused, "You need to be controlled, or who knows what you would do after you saw the faces of my guests."

"What the--" He Tian was about to shoot out again but then two men showed up in front of the door, one of them had whitish hair and the other one had red hairs, He Tian didn't need to see their faces to know who they were, it was obvious that they were She Li and Guan Shan.

"There is my honorary guest," Chong Wang welcomed his guests, "the man of the night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> with this chapter we're finally getting into the real "story" and chapters will be longer from now (I'll try my best to not end to so fast) and there will be lots of tianshan moments


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To: unknow
> 
> first step of the plan: done.
> 
> \- BaiLin

Guan Shan walked in the room with She Li following him behind, Chong Wang was looking at them, mostly at Guan Shan, his eyes were on him, following every single one of his move, and had such a pleased smile, that made Guan Shan have some flashbacks he wouldn’t want to remember ever again.

He is trying to calm down, take small breaths, focus and think, cause he knows the only way to make it alive tonight using his brain. He isn’t famous of for that but it mostly saved his ass. but His whole body freezes, as soon as he steps into the room.

His crying voices were echoing in the big and empty room, it was making his voice sound more pitiful, his begging was echoing the room, his own voice was hurting his own ears, his own body was making him wanna disappear, to not exist anymore. He wanted to run away, he wanted to walk out of the room, to walk out of this shitty underworld that wasted his youth.

But no matters how much he wanted it, he couldn't move his body, every part of it was too heavy to move. For a moment he felt like he wasn't trying enough, he wasn't wanting it enough but as soon as his eyes met with the tv it was already too late to go back.

He couldn't even react when he saw He Tian right next to the tv, with two men holding him from his arms, he could only look at He Tian's face for a half second, if not less, he couldn't dare to look more, he couldn't dare to look into his eyes when the past he was trying to hide from this one person was showing right before him.

He knows he shouldn't, he knows he did what,all he has to do is survive, he knows he did everything for his father and his family but that wasn't helping him to feel better, knowing all the reasons wasn't taking the shame he was feeling, the dirty look he was afraid to see in He Tian's eyes if he was looking more.

The only one reason why he came here, the only reason he made a deal with a demon to see another was he didn't want He Tian to know about his past, he wanted He Tian to have only good thoughts about him, after all, He Tian was believing him so much that he even thought he could be actually a doctor.

He didn't wanted He Tian to know he was having regrets for not taking the hand he once offered to him, admitting having regrets was probably one of the hardest things he ever did since it also meant he should have left his father in prison and move on with his life, just like his father wanted, cause he only had two option;

"Live his own life and leave the past in the past" or "Clear his father's name." Guan Shan choose the second option cause his father worked hard for them, worked for their sake,tried to be a good man for their sake, and didn't deserve what he got, he wasn't a perfect human being, he had flaws, he had made mistakes, he had sins, but he also was Guan Shan's father that he loved and respected the most. He wanted to do something for his name but messed up not only his but also his father's and mother's life.

Because of the option he had chosen he lost both of them and He Tian, he lost everything he loved and cared. What's more here to lose? What's more here to be afraid of?

 

                                                                                                                     ||~~*~~||  

 

He tries to take a deep breath to get his senses back, making himself remember he can't lose any more than this already but his eyes were too focused on tv to do something else, to think something else, or hear out his own words.

He couldn't control his own body, and this, not having control over in his body was making him remember that night more than anything.

He still had nightmares about that night, but with time they were happening less and less, but they were still happening, they were still in his head and waiting his weakest moment to come, he knows his brain won't let him forget about the night he wanted to remove from his mind and body.

His head was getting too dizzy, he knew it was coming but remembering the night all of sudden, remembering the pain, the only thing that felt like real in that night, somehow made him weaker and stronger at the same time.

"One more time!" Guan Shan said to himself with such a low voice that he made sure nobody else heard him, "Try one more time!" meaning try to breathe, try to make this shock go, be strong in front of his demon, his demons, in front of his only one love that he probably doesn't even have the right to love or to be with.

Guan Shan breathed in, breathed out, trying to calm down one more time, trying to make his body go back to it's senses, he didn't have time to have a break down, "What?" he finally was able to say, "What the fuck is going on here?" he asked, surprisingly his voice coming out with such self-confident way and more surprisingly without shaking. Maybe he was stronger than he thought he was.

"Having fun!" Chong Wang said with a smile that made Guan Shan want to punch his face to make it fade away, and he took a few steps towards to Guan Shan.

As soon as Chong Wang got a bit close to Guan Shan, the anger that He Tian tried to control with everything he got, suddenly rise back and was higher, louder than before, he was trying to make himself calm down again, with his lack of self-control, he knew it wasn't the right time to make a move, he has to wait for the right moment but his anger was too loud to hear out his calm and logical words.

Guan Shan jerked away right after Chong Wang made a move towards to him, he wasn't close enough to touch Guan Shan, but he still could smell the smoke of cigarette from Chong Wang that was giving him unpleasant flashbacks, "Don't!" he warned him, "Don't you dare." Guan Shan said, with a voice without fear in it.

Chong Wang was looking at Guan Shan's face with such a blunt expression, Guan Shan couldn't read what was he thinking and to be honest he didn't care, all Guan Shan wanted was Chong Wang to know this night wasn't going to be like he wanted, nor has planned, Guan Shan sick of being a pawn in other's game. He wasn't going to let anyone play with his life anymore.

He studied Guan Shan's face for a few minutes, there was nothing but anger and hate, this was all Guan Shan's feelings for him, nothing more or less.

Chong Wang used to think that it was fine if Guan Shan hated him, as long as he felt something for him, it was enough, he didn't care much if it was pure hate or love, but now it was different, now everything was different.

The hate in Guan Shan's eyes was making him pissed, making him feel like he has lost an important battle that he didn't even know he was fighting, the difference of the way Guan Shan looking at him, and the way he was looking at He Tian was too great, and he didn't like it, he wanted to rush it, make it go away.

"Is it a good surprise, Guan Shan?" Chong Wang stressed his name, as if his name was something holy, and pure, but it only made Guan Shan felt like throwing up.

Guan Shan ignored his question, "What do you want from me?" he asked directly, he didn't want to waste his precious time in this room and with him. He wanted to get away from this room as soon as it's possible, with He Tian if miracles do exist.

The tape was still on, and his cries were the only voice in the room that kept it from a dead silence, he was begging Chong Wang to stop, even to kill him. He wasn't sure what was more difficult, seeing something from that night, or He Tian seeing that night, or his past coming back to haunt him.

 

                                                                                                                     ||~~*~~||  

 

15 years ago

Guan Shan began to walk faster and make sure He Tian wasn't following him, he still couldn't believe that bastard actually did something like that. What the hell was wrong with his mind? How could he think that he would ask help from him? Never in a million years! Never, even if he was the last person that could save him from dying or suffering badly.

She Li might be a great pain in the ass, but he had to deal with those types of people since forever because his father's past would never leave them alone. There were times that bigger guys than his father were showing up before his house, asking for money, asking for their father, their home.

Guan Shan didn’t remember much, but the fear he felt back then was one of the most obvious memories from his childhood, the fear he felt for his father, for their home, for their future.

And the fact that, after that, his father always had a worried face that he tried his best to hide but wasn't good at it, cause he was a strong man, he didn't have worries often, he was the strongest among the men he was with, but not when those guys were showing. Guan Shan actually was sure his proud, strong, father could beat those guys much bigger than him, so he wasn't getting why he was afraid, and he didn't understand the simple fact till he got older.

His father wasn't afraid of them because they might hurt him, he was afraid cause they might hurt them, his family, his mother, sister, and himself. They were his father's only one weakness.

He suddenly remembers the fear he felt when he was a child, his body shivered with fear, "Let me help you," He Tian said those words as if his eyes, his voice were begging him, "Let me save you." he couldn't make these simple but powerful words get out of his mind.

For some reasons that Guan Shan seem to not understand, or more likely he was doing everything to not to understand, He Tian cared about him, he wanted to help him.

He didn't want to admit it but he knows She Li might be a bigger problem than he thought he might be, but he just couldn't let He Tian get into his life, he was afraid of him more than anyone. He was dangerous, but also, somehow sweet, caring, and maybe loving, thinking like this making him feel disgusted with himself though.

Guan Shan shook his head, genius or not, it didn't matter, not now, what matter was to find a way to get his father out of prison, this was the main focus of his life and he shouldn't … couldn't be trusting someone like He Tian with his father's life.

He had no reasons to trust He Tian, he couldn't think a reason to open his life to He Tian, talk about his secrets, talk about his father, deep down he was feeling like he might understand him but it wasn't a risk he could take.

His mind was a big mess, he couldn't even remember why he was out such an early hour, so he began to walk towards to the restaurant that used to be his father's but now runs by his uncle. After his father went to prison, his uncle took the restaurant cause his mother was already working at the hospital and Guan Shan was too young to look after a bakery.

Of course, he fought back and told them he can do it, he said he can drop the school and work on the restaurant that his father put his soul on it, no member of his family could get along with him.

Uncle BaiLin, was selfish, arrogant, and most importantly, once he was in love with his mother, as much as Guan Shan knows, he even proposed to her, but his mother refused him nicely and married with his brother after years. When Guan Shan's parents got married it already has been years since then, and BaiLin was already married with someone else, so everyone thought he got over her, and everything was in the past but BaiLin still was pretty bitter about it and couldn't let it go.

BaiLin probably would still like to marry with his mother, Fang Yuan, if he actually had guts to ask, since his father already filed a divorce, as soon as he went to prison and told that he wasn't able to go out for the rest of his life.

Meng Da still loved his wife so much, his son, his family, but knowing he won't be able to be with them again, knowing his wife will wait for someone that who will never go back to her wasn't something Meng Da wished for her.

Fang Yuan was still young, still beautiful, she had the right to love again, she had the right to be loved again, though he didn't want to imagine the love of his life with someone else, he still only wanted and wished happiness for her from the bottom of his heart.

Though his father insisted about the divorce, his mother never agreed on, she didn't want to get a divorce, though she will not be able to touch her husband ever again, feel his touch, feel his warmth, she didn't want to end her marriage, she didn't need anyone else, she didn't want anyone else, she made a promise when they got married and she wasn't going to return from her promise.

"Guan Shan?" his uncle called out his name with such a confused look on his face, it was obvious that he wasn't expecting to see the young's boy face at such an early hour.

He was wearing that white baker apron that once belonged to his father. His father and uncle were actual brothers, the same mother, the same father, but they were looking nothing alike, someone who didn't know them wouldn't guess they were brothers, so seeing an almost stranger in his father's apron left such a bitter taste in him.

"Are you okay?" his uncle asked though he really didn't care about the answer, his uncle never gave a damn about Guan Shan because he was exactly looking like his father and he was the proof of his parents’ love for each other.

"I don't know, I'm not sure," Guan Shan wanted to say because it was the truth but because this place didn’t belong to them anymore, he wasn't able to show up as he pleases. "I wanted to get some new bakes breads for my mother." Guan Shan almost vomit in his mouth for using his mother like this to get away.

As soon as Guan Shan mentioned his mother he could see the sudden sparks in his uncle eyes. "Oh," he probably wasn't expecting to hear such a reason since Guan Shan made it clear before how he feels about his uncle's undying love for his mother, "hold on a second, I will get her favorites to you."

His uncle knowing what his mother likes or what she doesn't wasn't a surprise for him, after all those years and to think about his obsession it would be weird if he didn't but it doesn't stop Guan Shan getting chills because of it.

Guan Shan tried to force himself to show a gentle smile, not because he was trying to be polite but because he wasn't even sure he should be here in the first place and he knows BaiLin wouldn't miss an opportunity to call his mother.

After he took the bakery he made things clear that he didn't want Guan Shan to be around cause he was giving the vibes of trouble child and it was apparently scaring off customers, at first both his mother and Guan Shan oppose to the idea but not long after they finally understand they were trying for nothing.

It was true that the way Guan Shan was looking like was scaring some people but it wasn't the case, they all knew no one of their customers stopped coming because of that, in fact no one of their customers stopped coming, though Guan Shan was some kind of delinquent boy, he has never caused trouble for them or anyone else. It was more like BaiLin didn't wanted Guan Shan to be a part of that bakery.

He didn't want Guan Shan to work with him, he didn't want him to be around cause it was only making BaiLin remember his own brother that he wish he never had, and they knew this fact very well since he didn't even helped them to get a good lawyer for his own blood, for his only one brother.

"Here, there some newly baked breads." BaiLin hand over to him the smoky breads he was holding, Guan Shan could be able to see how hot the breads where, that they tearing up the paper bag, "It's Fang Yu-" Guan Shan couldn't help but make a face when he heard his mother's name from those lips.

Though there wasn't such a law made between them that BaiLin was forbidden to mention his mother's name but still it wasn't nice to hear it from his uncle, when he was saying her name with such a lust in his voice. "They are your mother's favorites." there was sudden tension in air, Guan Shan tried to keep his cool, and for the first time his uncle looked like he was unpleased with this tension between them.

"They were made up with Meng Da's recipe" BaiLin softly smiled, Guan Shan wasn't able to tell if it was a fake smile or not, after all he has never seen his uncle smile towards to him, he wasn't sure what to expect from this sudden change, he wasn't sure how this sudden change has happened.

Thinking it might happen because he was nice towards to him, would be too naive, he knows well enough that his uncle wasn't the type of person to get him with nicely behavior and it was more than impossible for Guan Shan to do it.

Guan Shan was still looking at his uncle with such a confused face, that he was trying to hide, the bakery was hot and the paper bag that was full of newly baked breader was making his hands and body even warmer, that it was almost getting hard for him to breath. He wanted to get out of the baker as soon as possible, BaiLin was looking at his face as if he was waiting to hear some words from Guan Shan.

The dead silence between them has broken by Guan Shan's phone, he forced himself to give a small smile to his uncle out of the kindness that his mother has taught him to show his elders. He turned his back to see who's calling him, so he would have some private.

Who wasn't really important for him at the moment, he would be thankful even if that person was He Tian since that person has saved him from having a longer unpleasant talk with his uncle.

Though he said he didn't mind whoever called him, he couldn't help but light up when he saw his mother's name on his phone, it was a good thing that he didn't have to deal with more people he didn't want to see or be around.

"Yes, mom" Guan Shan said softly and only high enough for his mother to hear, he didn't want to draw his uncle's attention that now was focused on a customer.

"Where are you?" Fang Yuan asked, Guan Shan wasn't able to see her but he was able to tell from her voice that she was very tried and was making a real effort to speak.

"Why do you ask?" Guan Shan felt like he was missing something but couldn't remember even if he was pushing himself. "Did something happen?"

Guan Shan was able to hear his mother's deep sigh from the other side of the phone, "Did you forget that you were coming to pick me?" his mother asked though the answer was already obvious.

"Shit!" Guan Shan cursed to himself and made sure his mother didn't hear him, "I'm sorry I'm coming right away." he quickly said, closed the phone and didn't give his mother a chance to talk since he knows she would tell him to never mind and she will take care of herself.

Guan Shan turned towards to his uncle again, his whole attention was still focused on that customer, all he wanted to say goodbye quickly and go to pick up his mother. He could have left without saying anything but he didn't want to be that rude, his uncle was being nice to him for the first time and he wanted to repay this kindness.

After waiting almost five minutes for the woman to decide what kind of bread she wanted, Guan Shan finally had the chance to talk with his uncle, he took a few steps closer "I have to go," he made himself as genuine as he could make, but he felt like it didn't worked well, "I have to pick up mom," he regret mentioning her name once again. He raised the paper bag he was holding a bit "Thank you for the breads." this time he meant it, there was nothing left in the house and his mother probably was hungry.

His uncle has accepted his thank with such a tender nod and smile on his face, Guan Shan was still having a hard time to understand where was this sudden kindness coming form but there was more than enough thoughts in his mind and didn't want to add one more.

He began to walk towards to the door of the bakery and his uncle was following behind to send him off. After a few minutes Guan Shan wasn't in the sight of view anymore. "That was exhausting." BaiLin said to himself, and took his phone from his right pocket of his pants.

To: unknow

first step of the plan: done.

\- BaiLin

He sent the text to the person who wasn't saved on his phone and didn't plan to save their name. A part of him, a little part of him, was feeling sorry and guilty for being a part of this plan that will ruin his only left nephew, the only child left from the woman he loved but because he still was very much in love with Fang Yuan, he didn't much care about what was going to happen to Guan Shan, who was looking too alike with the person who stole his only love from him.

 

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15 years later.

Chong Wang got a bit more closer to Guan Shan but made sure there was some space between them cause he didn't want to make He Tian or him mad and to ruin his plan. For the first time he was actually unable to control his feelings, control his desire.

He wanted to take Guan Shan here and now, he wanted to taste him one more time and over and over again, in front of the man he loves, the man he adores and idolize, he wanted to destroy Guan Shan in front of everyone, make him broke, make him unable to hope again cause maybe only then he could have Guan Shan again, only when he lost his soul.

"What do I want from you?" Chong Wang repeated again Guan Shan's words, thinking the answer of the question. He was a man that already could have everything he wanted and even didn't wanted, he was one of the most powerful names in the whole country, there was important people, people that controlling the world would take his words as laws, but still no one of this holds no meaning when it comes to the heart of this boy standing before his eyes, looking at his eyes with such a great disgust.

"I want you to work with He Tian." Chong Wang said with such proud smile on his face since for the first time he felt like he was the ruler of this game because everyone was looking at him with stunned faces.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" He Tian was the first one to able to talk again, the men that were holding him were a few step away from him now, he was more calm and serious, though his voice was the exact opposite, all of his anger was on his voice, on his simple words.

"You hear me, I want our beloved Guan Shan to work with you." Chong Wang was looking at them as if he knows something that they don’t. "You know, He Tian the reason why I called you was for a business deal," now he was wearing an ashamed smile, "I'm deeply, completely sorry that things have become like this." though he was good at faking nobody was buying his words.

"Can we all just sit and talk about this all over again?" Chong Wang asked nicely.

Guan Shan just couldn't believe the nerve this old man had, the video was still on, it was still playing again and again, making Guan Shan unable to breathe again, he wasn't playing to stay one more second in this room, he had no idea what was he planning but he wasn't going to get along with them. "Fuck you, and your plans." Guan Shan said with bushy voice, "I won't be a part of them, stay the fuck away from me."

He turned his back to everyone in the room, and began to walk towards to the door. If anyone dared to stop him, he wasn't going to hold himself and fight with them neck to neck, Guan Shan was try to keep violence low as much as he could, cause once he gets the hype of the moment he wasn't able to control himself, it has happened way before he got into all this yakuza mess, and almost killed a few persons.

Guan Shan didn't mind being called whore, he didn't mind spreading his legs for other man to get information, it was the path he has chosen for to clear his father's name but taking someone else's life wasn't his thing, them being bad or good person didn't matter for him, he wasn't going to be a murder.

"Guan Shan, even if you walk away right now, this talk won't end here." Chong Wang warned him, he wasn't planning to keep Guan Shan here against his will, but he also wasn't going to stop till everyone says "yes" and be a part of his game he started to plan since that night Guan Shan called out He Tian's name.

"Go to hell." Guan Shan said and walked out.

He Tian was finally free, the men were holding him back were away from him, only a few steps but it was enough distance for He Tian to make his long awaited move, he got closer to Chong Wang that was standing next to She Li and was still was looking after Guan Shan, he called out his name and punched him on his face as hard as he was able to, that he felt that some of Chong Wang's teethes were probably broken.

He Tian didn't raised his hand or got into fights since he was a high school student but he has never missed his daily exercise, he cared how his body was looking like and it was a way for him to focus on his job better, his body was even more stronger than he was back then in his high school days, though he used to get into fights so often.

Chong Wang spit out some blood along with one of his teeth, his mouth and hands were covered with his own blood that the room rapidly began to smell like blood, but still even a hard punch form He Tian wasn't able to wipe out that proud smile on Chong Wang's face, he was even looking more crappy with his smile coved with blood and a missing tooth.

If He Tian had to give him credits for something, it would be only for him being hard to get, "Stay away from me and Guan Shan," He Tian warned him like he did Guan Shan only a few minutes ago, he wasn't the boy he was back then, now he wasn't planning to his pride to get between him and Guan Shan, now that he finally has found him, he wasn't planning to let go, "If I see you around him one more time, I promise you I will make you pay for it." He Tian promised himself and everyone in the room.

Chong Wang might be a very powerful man, but it wasn't like He Tian was a fresh meat new in the game, he might not have the same constant as Chong Wang but he was willing to ask for help from his brother, his father, to keep Guan Shan safe and away from these men.

He Tian threw a deadly look at everyone in the room and began to run after Guan Shan.

Chong Wang didn't have to look into He Tian's eyes to understand and see the rage in him, in his eyes, his voice was let alone speaking everything, he definitely wasn't expecting such a punch from him, the last person who dared to raise his hand to him was his father that Chong Wang hated the most, and he broke his father's both arms for daring to do that to him but he wasn't planning to do the same thing to He Tian.

His father was such a weak man that nobody did respect or was afraid, he wasn't and couldn't be someone Chong Wang respected but He Tian was, He Tian had the quality to be his emeny, his rival.

                                                                                                                     ||~~*~~||  

 

"What was this theater for?" She Li asked as soon as He Tian walked out of the room, "What was this epic fail for?" She Li was having a hard time to understand why this shitty man did all of this? Why he did made them meet when She Li was trying his very best to keep them away from each other.

"I don't owe you an explanation," Chong Wang said and finally closed the tv, and made a hand move telling his men to go out of the room.

"Yes, you do." She Li said, it was obvious that he wasn't one of pawns Chong Wang had and played with them as he pleases. No, She Li was more like his quiet partner in his games that did the dirty job but nobody did actually know about it.

Chong Wang walked towards to his bar to get a strong drink to make the pain from his mouth go away, "I want to break what they have." Chong Wang admited it, "So, I will make them work together and show He Tian about Guan Shan's past, he worked hard to get a clean name, to be good person, to be a good businessman."

"He put his soul on it, but with someone like Guan Shan next to him, no matter how much he tries he wouldn't be able to stay clean, Guan Shan's dirt would follow them everywhere and make them break at one point." he wasn't liking the idea of sharing his plan with some kind of brat but he knew if he didn't She Li would be against him and he needed someone like him at his side.

She Li laughed as hard as he could, "I already did know you were an actual idiot," he couldn't believe his own ears, such a thing would never break them what they have, yes Guan Shan would feel guilty but He Tian wouldn't mind getting dirty for him at all, he would mind drowning in dirt if it meant to be together with Guan Shan, "Such a thing would never hurt them, forget about breaking them."

"Their bond is stronger than you think, their love is stronger than you think" She Li admit it, it was still making him pissed off, still was making him go all mad, all things he has done were for nothing, though all of his plans had worked perfectly and even better but he still wasn't able to make Guan Shan forget about He Tian, even after years He Tian was the only one in Guan Shan's heart and had even a bigger place than he had before.

  
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"Mo," He Tian yelled out his name while running after him, Guan Shan wasn't running but wasn't stopping either, acting like he wasn't hearing He Tian.

"Do not stop," Guan Shan reminded his legs, Guan Shan reminded himself cause God knows, his heart wanted to stop, his heart wanted to let He Tian heal his scars, his heart wanted to be with He Tian, his heart longed for He Tian, it always have.

But his brain wasn't sure, it wasn't sure of He Tian's reaction, it didn't know He Tian would look at his eyes, what Guan Shan would see in them after what he just saw in that room. If he sees even a bit of disgust or pity in his eyes, Guan Shan wouldn't able to take it.

  
"Don't come after me," Guan Shan said, with such faint voice, he sounded nothing like he did in that room only a few minutes ago, he was even feeling more stronger while facing his monster.

"No," rejected the idea right after, his voice was more tender and soft than it was in that hospital room or a few minutes ago.

"Why?" it was a question for both why he wanted to come after him and why his voice was sounding this nice all of sudden? Was he feeling bad for Guan Shan so he to decide be nice to him?

"Because I don't like doing the same mistakes more than once," He Tian said, and finally catch up to Guan Shan, now he was in his hands, he was holding him, if he got a bit more closer he would be able to feel his breath against his skin, but he didn't, Guan Shan being in his hands, in his arms was enough for now.

"I won't let you go again." He Tian said, he wanted to look into his eyes, he wanted to see these eyes he missed so much, but Guan Shan wasn't raising his head. "Please, let me look at your eyes." He Tian asked directly, it was something he has never done in fact, he like to tease the person he likes, but it has been years since he has seen those eyes, and didn't want to waste any more time with childish games.

"So, I do. I want to see your eyes, I want to see myself in them, I want to see your love in them." Guan Shan wanted to say but the words have died in his throat.

And so he decided to lie, cause a lie was way easier to tell than his real feelings, his real thoughts. "Let go of me." Guan Shan lied, he didn't wanted He Tian to let go of him, he want to feel his hands on his body even more.

He Tian studied Guan Shan for a few seconds and sighed heavily, "As you wish." he said and took his hands of Guan Shan. It wasn't a cold night but as soon as the warmth from He Tian's hands has gone Guan Shan felt like his whole body was trembling.

Guan Shan made a move to get into the car he come with She Li but He Tian stopped him without touching him directly, "I'm afraid you're coming with me." he was wearing that devilish smile he used to when they were young and hopeful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter is finally here!! I hope it's a good one and y'all will like it 
> 
> thank you so much for waiting and all the support it means a lot. 
> 
> and here the question; there is a past between she li's father and chong wang, so should I give them their own time or just imply?? I'm asking cause it doesn't hold an impact for the plot and I know how y'all feel about chong wang so what's the answers?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Come with me?" he asked a question which probably will lead the night, or their whole lives.

"Where are we going?" Guan Shan asked, the window was open, his hand was out and feeling the wind between his fingers, somehow he felt like a dog. The answer didn't matter that much, he has stopped caring about places long ago, and he knew he won't be able to take him to that place.

After He Tian has left the city, the country, Guan Shan has bought the apartment He Tian was living in, the apartment they've shared memories, the apartment they had one special night.

It belonged to his uncle, at least it was what He Tian has told him back then but good thing is there wasn't any problem that can’t be solved with some money.

"A special place." He Tian said, without taking his eyes out of the road.

There was a kind of the tension that he couldn't name, it wasn't a bad one that was making him uncomfortable, the exact opposite it was making him feel easy, making him feel like there weren’t years that passed, he just had been lost between them.

"Why are you doing this?" Guan Shan wasn't sure if it was too early to ask this question, he didn't want to admit, he was afraid to admit but he did want to spend more time with He Tian, before the reality hit He Tian and let go of Guan Shan.

After all, someone like Guan Shan wouldn't be worthy to spend time with, he wasn't someone He Tian should care, he didn't deserve it, Guan Shan didn't deserve He Tian's love, care or attention. He has lost the right to have all of those the moment he decide to leave him and walk away after that night they've shared.

"No matter what I say now, won't be enough for you," He Tian wore that devilish smile again but this time it felt like out of the place, Guan Shan couldn't understand how he could be like this with him now, when only a few hours ago they were like two strangers at that hospital room. "So wait a bit more."

"Try a bit," Guan Shan wanted to say, he wanted to push him forward, he needed, he longed for an actual reason. Simple words like "I won't let you go again." didn't hold meaning for Guan Shan, not after he has been very used to them.

All of his customers were using words like that every time they were coming to fuck him up, they were using those words in the most cheap way, the most disgusting way that they has lost the meaning for Guan Shan.

He opened his mouth to talk but closed it without saying a word, because it would be pointless. He Tian was completely focused on the roads that were awfully familiar and it was making Guan Shan sick. He still didn't have any idea about where they were going but he was feeling like it won't be a pleasant one for him.

The night was still young and pregnant with more. Guan Shan wasn't sure if he had left any energy in his body or mind, it has been one of the longest nights in his life and he wanted to go back to his bed and this night to end. He wanted to see the sun again, he needed a new day.

Though a great part of his heart still wants to be with He Tian, spend more time with him, he was afraid to be alone with him because he didn't know what he might do, what he might do if they had more time together. His mind, his feeling were all a big hot mess and were making him unable to think, the desire to be with He Tian was growing even more inside of him that he wasn't able to control anymore.

                                                                                                                           ||~~**~~~||

15 years ago;

He Tian was lying on his king-sized bed, it was too big for him and sometimes it was making him remember how lonely he actually was. But it wasn't one of those nights. It was one of those nights that he needed space to clear his mind.

The more he wanted to help and fix things they were getting only worse, for the first time in years he felt helpless, he felt like he was only a child, he was feeling too little that his huge flat and king-sized bed was making him feel powerful again.

The lights were closed, his breathings was slow and quiet that it was almost like he wasn't breathing, the only sound that was coming from the rain on his window, a perfect combo to make him calm again.

"Forget about today," He Tian said to himself calmly. "It's all in past now."

She Li was pushing his limits to a point that he is afraid he won't be able to control himself and cause troubles not only for Guan Shan, himself and She Li but also for their families.

He wasn't aware of the hour but it probably wasn't too early to sleep and so he closed his eyes, and let the pure darkness bind his eyes and the sounds of rain give him the comfort that he needed.

He thought of Guan Shan again as soon as he let his mind go free, he was unable not to think of him no matter what, his mind was just full of Guan Shan and things about him, like his eyes.

He Tian loved Guan Shan's eyes, they were small, full of rage but also gentle and caring, there was fear in his eyes but also bravery and he loved how Guan Shan had all of these when he was looking into He Tian’s eyes. He loved the fact that he was able to make Guan Shan feel all of those at once.

He loved Guan Shan's lips too, he was able to read his emotions from his lips, he had a broke smile on his lips whenever he was feeling nervous, or sad, as if they was ready to cry at any time. He had a small pout whenever he was feeling out of the place or uneasy.

He had a wrapped smirk whenever he was furious, and he often was talking with himself as well. - Which was something He Tian finds very cute in fact.

But what He Tian loved about Guan Shan's lips was how they tasted like. He still was regretting how their first ever kiss happened; it was a regret that will follow him ‘till his dead bed and even in his grave.

He still wasn't exactly sure why he did that, why he forced him like that. It was just a feeling at the first, just an innocent curiosity, and a little the fact that he has power and capability to do that but he doesn't even remember when he first start to look at Guan Shan's lips like that.

All he did remember was a strong lust, desire that made him lose the control of his own body, and the next was his tongue was inside of Guan Shan's mouth. Guan Shan's crying face, his hateful, hurtful look, those words, were still right before He Tian's eyes, his broken voice was still in his ears that was hurting his dreams, one of the few scenes in his life that he wasn't able to forget and had impact on him.

Those lips still filled his dreams, just one -forced- kiss wasn't enough to feed his greed but he wasn't going to repeat his mistake ever again. He might be looking like someone who does everything as he pleases, -and it was true, he didn't care about basic respect rules- but he also wasn’t someone to repeat the mistake again and hurt someone he cares dearly, or hurt on purpose.

He was in deep thoughts and rain was too heavy that he didn't even hear the door knocking; he was only able to hear it after a powerful punch on the door that made him wonder if it left any squashed on the door or a bruise on the person's hand.

He get to the door unwillingly, he took a quick look at the Mickey Mouse clock - it was a gift from someone he didn't know, his mother just told him it was from someone that loves He Tian very much, though he asked his mother multiple times, she has never answered him but it has become one of his childhood treasures - that was the next to the L couch.

He guessed it's probably his uncle that came to check him out and report to his father and he was angry about the rain, He Tian not opening the door soon enough and mostly that job left to him. He Tian's brothers - probably - were very busy with more important things than their useless uncle that had to check out the trouble boy.

He Tian sighed heavily, stretched his arms above his head and he made a slow move to open the door, he was half sleepy, and didn't light up the house so that the only thing he was able to see was some shadows.

As soon as he opened the door his eyes got blinded by the lights from the corridor so that he couldn't even see who was standing right in front of him, he rubbed his eyes slightly and opened them slowly to see better.

"What kind of illusion is this?" he murmured to himself, he thought his mind was playing tricks on him, making him see the things, making him live the fantasy, the delusion from the bottom of his heart.

It was Mo Guan Shan, who was standing right in front of him, wet -due to heavy rain, probably - from top to bottom, that he was able to see the water drops on his face and clothes. He was looking broken and lonely, homeless, that he wasn't even sure it was a cruel game of his mind. It was looking too real to be a dream.

"Can I come in?" the dream has spoken and proved it wasn't an actual illusion, a sick game of his mind. His voice was too sad even for He Tian's ears, who was pretty used to the voices of broken souls, the voices of ghosts.

"O-f course," He Tian said, and took a step back to let Guan Shan come in. As soon as Guan Shan step in, He Tian closed to the door and made a move to open the lights but Guan Shan grabbed his hand.

"Can you not open the lights?" Guan Shan asked politely, his voice was shaking but He Tian wasn't sure if it was because of the reason made Guan Shan come to his home at such an hour or because of his wet, cold clothes.

He Tian nodded his head but because he couldn't tell if Guan Shan was able to see him, "Sure." He said quietly.

"Go sit where you please." He Tian said and was about to walk towards the kitchen to make something hot for Guan Shan.

Guan Shan looked around in the room that was lightened by shines of the moon and city lights, "I'm too wet," his voice was still the same as before, he still wasn't feeling safe or at easy, "I don't want to dirty them." he almost sound like a little child.

He Tian was almost grateful that it was dark and didn't had to see what kind of face Guan Shan was wearing, the sound of voice was enough to make his heart feel his pain that He Tian wanted to rush his side and took him into his arms. Make him warm with his own body heat.

But the only reason why Guan Shan has chosen to come to him was probably he thought He Tian wouldn't ask questions, cause this home would be the place he can hide and rest ‘till he is ready to face what the hell happened. He Tian did want to ask, he wanted to help him but also did want to be the place Guan Shan needs.

"You wouldn't." He Tian tried to sound like he usually does, he didn’t pity him, he didn’t feel sorry for him but any kind of abnormal sympathy in his voice would make Guan Shan uncomfortable.

The shines of the moon flashed on Guan Shan's face that He Tian could swear it was the most beautiful but also heartbreaking sight he'd ever seen. "I will get some clothes," he walked towards him, so close that he could feel Guan Shan’s shaking body and cold breathes on his skin but made sure he wasn't crossing his personal space.

"You go to bathroom and get a hot shower." Guan Shan pointed the way of bathroom, "you already know where is it, I will be here and making something hot for you so don't worry about me doing funny things I will be good I promise."

Guan Shan studied He Tian for a few minutes, he didn't even know how Guan Shan was able to see his face, and wonder if he has some kind of cat’s eyes that gave him the ability to see in the dark. "You don't have to do this." his voice crooked, his cold probably was getting worse and he was going to be sick if he stayed in those clothes.

He Tian suddenly touched Guan Shan's shoulder, that sudden touch made Guan Shan jerk off aggressively, his body was trembling with coldness and shook "Just for tonight, do as I say." He Tian begged.

"I-I only like tea," Guan Shan said softly, as he got away from He Tian, he stayed in the dark side of the room and watched He Tian - he might not been able to see but he could feel the eyes on him for a few minutes long that made He Tian feel like years. He then heard footsteps coming from the way of the bathroom.

He Tian sighed, feeling lost and complicated; "It’s gonna be a long night."

                                                                                                                           ||~~**~~~||

15 years ago;

He Tian went to the kitchen to make some hot water for the tea, and the water drops that were coming from the bathroom were echoing in the entire house. He was glad that Guan Shan was finally warming up his body. He Tian didn't want for him to get sick so he decided to make cloves honey milk that his mother used to make for him when he was getting sick.

He Tian wasn't actually good in the kitchen but was able to do the basic stuff like that, he put the milk on the cooker as well as the water and went to his room to get some clean clothes and towels for Guan Shan.

He put them right before of the door and knock at the door twice to let Guan Shan know he was there, the sounds of the water have stopped after the knocks "I left clothes and towels here and I will be in the kitchen." He Tian said softly.

"T-thank you," Guan Shan said with such husky voice that He Tian wasn't sure if it was because of bathroom or he already did catch a cold.

He Tian knocked the door again "Take your time," he raised his voice to Guan Shan to hear him better, but there was excitement impossible to hide in his voice, he stayed a few minutes there, standing in front of the door.

His demons were telling him to get in the bathroom, pull Guan Shan into his arms and never let go, but it was such a dangerous play, and a risk that he didn't want to take so he walked towards the kitchen to check out the water and milk.

After a few minutes He Tian heard that the sounds of water have stopped again and the door was being opened, which means Guan Shan would be here, in He Tian's clothes very soon. - And it's probably a sight that He Tian needs to get his heart ready for-

The milk and tea were ready for Guan Shan, he made a green tea for himself as well, the entire house was still in an absolute darkness, there was only a light open in the kitchen but He Tian closed it as soon as his job was over.

He put the mugs he was holding over a table that was the next to the L couch, he sat in the corner -where it was hard to see him, or his face - and being to wait Guan Shan to come back. It took only half a minute for Guan Shan to come back with He Tian's grey sweatpants and black long sleeve shirt, He Tian put a puma jacket as well to keep him warmer but Guan Shan wasn't wearing it. -He was able to see Guan Shan thanks to the light from the city again.-

"Welcome back," He Tian said. He was thankful to the darkness one more time since if Guan Shan did see the big smirk on He Tian's face, the boy probably wouldn't care about the heavy rain outside and run away without taking a look back.

Guan Shan didn't open his mouth, he just slightly nodded and sit a bit away from He Tian. He was half hurt half understanding why Guan Shan did that, but seeing He Tian's promise holds no meaning for him was something hurtful to see, yet it was something He Tian did this to his own though.

"Here," He Tian handed over the honey milk firstly. "Drink up."

Guan took the mug, the heat of the mug warming his -still- cold hands. He took a small sip that burned his tongue and throat, the milk was still too hot for his tongue but he needed that kind of warmth so he took another sip.

He turned his head towards He Tian, "I thought I said I wanted tea," he put the mug on the table again, "Not that I dislike milk though" he felt like he needs to comment cause he felt like he sounds like ungrateful.

"Your tea is waiting for you here," he pointed out the other mug, "Just drink up your milk quickly and get the award." He Tian said as if he was convincing a child.

Guan Shan couldn’t help but leaving out a small chuckle, he wasn't able to see He Tian's face but his voice was funny enough, "It's still too hot," he said but made a move to get the mug again. "Give me some time."

He Tian shook his head, "Nope," he said the same voice tone as before, "it would be pointless if it gets cold."

Guan Shan sighed heavily knowing it would be only waste of the time to fight with He Tian over something like this and pushed himself to drink up all the milk, he almost choked to the death, and couldn't stop coughing for a few minutes long but he was able to finish it.

He put the mug on the table again, but harshly this time, "Are you happy now?" he asked but he was more like being sarcastic then asking questions.

He Tian wear his one of the brightest smiles ever, though he wasn't sure Guan Shan could see or not, "I am pretty happy," he said, his voice indeed sounding like happy.

Which was something Guan Shan couldn't understand, a simple thing like him drinking milk He Tian has made for him has the power to be his main source of happiness. - Guan Shan felt like he is both someone hard to please but also very easy.

"Now can I get my tea?" Guan Shan asked, his eyes were focused on the mug was next to He Tian's.

"Only if you answer my question." He Tian sounded like he actually didn't want to say it but he wasn't looking like he did regret asking this.

Guan Shan rolled his eyes, "Now you’re playing dirty," he sighed again, but this time he wasn't acting like it's the end of his world. "What do you want to ask?" since the atmosphere around them got comfy and like -normal Guan Shan thought it was going to be one of his stupid plays and he gonna ask something silly.

"Why did you come here?" He Tian sounds like more bluntly than he thought.

                                                                                                                           ||~~**~~~||

The streets were getting more and more awfully familiar, filled with memories that he was holding in a special box inside his heart but too afraid to open. "Please, don't." Guan Shan asked, now he didn't need to ask where they were going, now he could see where He Tian was taking him, he knew it was more than he can handle.

"Don't what?" it wasn't a question, He Tian wasn't asking a question, "Give us another chance to start over?" he sounds so tired all of sudden, "I'm sorry but I can't do that Guan Shan. I've swore that if I found you again I wouldn't waste even a single moment, so don't expect me to stop now."

Guan Shan wasn't able to recognize this person next to him, He Tian was only a young boy back then but this person, right next to him was a man, sounding like a man, smelling like a man, looking like a man. All those

years did him well, it was easy to see but this was making Guan Shan afraid for the future, afraid of everything even more cause he didn't know how he would able to say "no" to him.

He Tian stopped his car before of the apartment he used to live, he lived like 15 years ago, the apartment that now was supposed to belong to Guan Shan. He Tian got out of the car and walked towards Guan Shan's side, he opened the car door and offered his hand, "Come with me?" he asked a question which probably will lead the night, or their whole lives.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long and such a short chapter I promise the next one will be longer!! 
> 
> and a fully of tianshan chapter!! (I feel like I didn't had time to focus good on them till now)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Good bye," Guan Shan said, he didn't even hear how his voice was sounding like, he didn't care how as long as it's not screaming him to stop though.

Guan Shan was looking at the hand He Tian has offered for minutes that felt like years. He could feel his eyes were tearing up and he hoped He Tian would think it's because of the rough wind. He knows he was running out of time and needed to choose, he needed to decide if he could take this hand he always wished to hold but couldn't admit when he had a chance and time or walk away.

 

And close the door to the life that was given to him one more time, this was a chance that he had never even dared to hope but now he was here, He Tian was standing in front of him, he was offering his hand, before the place they have made memories, they have shared their weakness and secrets and he was doing it while knowing Guan Shan's past that he thought that it would come between them.

 

"Are you sure about this?" Guan Shan asked, his voice sounded so painful that it hurt his own ears but he didn't care, for one night, for a few hours he was giving himself to be free. "Are you sure you want to be with someone that has spent the past 10 years sleeping with men to get information?" he wanted He Tian to get everything right, he wanted him to face the facts. "Do you want to take the risk to dirt your hard earned clean name for me?"

 

He Tian was looking at his face without showing any emotion that Guan Shan couldn't read what he was thinking, but as soon as he lowered his hand an unpleasant feeling filled his heart. This was what he wanted, he didn't want to drag He Tian into his darkness as well but- God he hoped, he longed for it.

 

Guan Shan tried to force himself to smile, He Tian feeling quilt because he was the last thing he wanted, so he needed to show it's fine, he is fine, everything is fine, after all this was what he was trying for.

 

"Good bye," Guan Shan said, he didn't even hear how his voice was sounding like, he didn't care how as long as it's not screaming him to stop though.

 

Guan Shan took a few step away from him to walk away, but as soon as he turned his back to He Tian, he took him into his arms and hugged him tightly, "Do you really think I would care about those things? Do you really think I care what you did those past years?" He Tian turned him Guan Shan over himself to face him, "You stayed alive, you survived by yourself and it's all I care, it's all I need to know."

 

"What are-" Guan Shan tried to push him away firmly, two man hugging tightly in the middle of street was drawing too much attention but after hearing He Tian's words all the strength in his arms had faded away that they fall down as if they were little needles against the gravity.

 

                                                                                                                      ||~~*~~||

 

15 years ago;

 

"Of course he wouldn't let it go easily," Guan Shan thought to himself, he didn't know how to answer it, simply telling the truth wasn't something he was ready for, making up lies meant putting more effort on thinking something He Tian could believe.

He Tian's eyes were on him, watching his moves, his face changes, he was expecting an answer, a reaction, a something.

 

"I needed to get the fuck out of home, and I had no other place to go," it wasn't a lie but also not the truth itself though. He hoped this would be okay, enough for He Tian though his eyes were still looking greedy with curiosity.

 

"I don't want to push you, I can see it's making you feel uneasy," He Tian put his cup away, "I just want to know if it's something I can help you."

 

The sincerity of those words has warmed up Guan Shan a little like hot shower and tea couldn't have, he has never thought He Tian would have such a power on him, he has never thought He Tian would be this genuine with him.

 

"Thank you," Guan Shan said, for the first time thanking him didn't left such a bitter taste on his lips.

 

He Tian's face flushed with a slight shade of red that made Guan Shan's face flush as well.

 

"Why are you getting embarrassed suddenly?" Guan Shan said with such a loud voice that he was getting more flushed as soon as he said the words.

 

"I just-never mind," He Tian didn't like the funny look on Guan Shan's eyes, though it was nice to see him smiling and getting hyped like this, but he didn't want to show his feelings like that, not now, Guan Shan wouldn't take him serious.

 

He said and made a move to get up but Guan Shan wanted to milk it more, it wasn't a sight you could see often and Guan Shan had to make sure he enjoy with every single second of it, so he grabbed his hand and pull him towards himself.

 

When he had realized how this action made them, a lot closer, that it was dangerous for both of them- mostly for Guan Shan, it was already too late. He was feeling He Tian's little breathes on his face, their eyes were too close to each other that he wasn't even able to see his face or anything else.

Their lips were only an inch away that could meet any time if one of them had moved a bit, Guan Shan could feel his body getting hot suddenly, his hormones that he didn't even know about were coming to life, and all he could think was how much he wanted those lips, he wasn't even able to see, met with his.

 

His mind went to that moment as soon as he thought about kissing, that disgusting feeling wasn't too far away, he still could feel somewhere inside but in this moment, right now, it wasn't like that, he wasn't sure what exactly was different but the thought of He Tian kissing him wasn't giving him headaches or a big nausea.

Then He Tian lean towards to Guan Shan's ear, now they were even more close but their lips have gotten away from each other before they could even meet and this somehow made Guan Shan lonely.

 

"Can I kiss you?" He Tian whispered into his ears that made his body shake.

 

His mind was telling him not to, and to push him away, it was too soon, he was too weak and unsure about everything to make such a choice but he was already nodding his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this took so long and I'm making my come back with another short chapter but since I'm very moody with writing I will try to keep the chapters shorter but often I hope this time it will work


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Have I?" Guan Shan asked, hoping maybe He Tian had the answers.

"Can I kiss you?" He Tian whispered into his ear. That made Guan Shan's the whole body shake.

 

His mind was telling him no to, not to let He Tian touch him, nor kiss him, and push him away. It was too soon, he was too weak and unsure about everything to make such a choice, even if he said yes now, he might regret it afterwards and he didn't want to do such thing to him or himself...

 

But he was already nodding his head, his body was already knew the answer, already knew what Guan Shan wanted, what Guan Shan needed; he needed someone, someone to comfort him, someone to be with him, some support, a warmth to feel like a person again. He wanted to feel wanted and loved.

 

It's probably why he has come here, out of the all the options, he might not have that many friends but it's also not a problem to find a place for one night to sleep. But he has come here, he has come to He Tian.

 

To the only person that would want to get close to him, would ask questions Guan Shan didn't wanted to hear, but ask to know why he is like that, because he would care, because He Tian would care what's wrong with him, why is he looking sad.

 

He knew all those things and yet still came so he shouldn't be surprised when his body has acted on its own before he thought about it.

He Tian looked into his eyes as if he couldn't believe the words he was hearing, he thought his ears only heard what he wanted to hear not the truth, not what Guan Shan actually has said.

 

Then he saw Guan Shan looking at him like he was expecting, waiting for him, for his move and so he wasted no more time and lean on towards to Guan Shan's reddish looking lips.

 

It only had lasted for a second, it was only a simple touch, He Tian couldn't go further cause he didn't want to force his luck, he couldn't guess how he would react. This Guan Shan before him was a mystery, an unknown.

 

He Tian was afraid of touching this Guan Shan, he was scared of hurting him, not because he was looking weak, no - in fact Guan Shan was braver, stronger than before, it's just probably he wasn't aware of his power yet.

 

"Can I continue?" he just wanted to ask a simple question but he sounded like he was praying to gods to hear a "yes."

 

A simple question would have a simple answer, in theory, but with Guan Shan there was no such thing like a "simple answer", it has been seconds since He Tian asked the question but it felt like ages for Guan Shan, his mind has pictured more than ten scenarios for both a "yes" and a "no."

 

He know what he wanted, now, but afterwards was a huge mystery, an unclear road for him. His body and mind yearned for He Tian, there was no point of denying it when his head moved without he could even talk. But fears were here, fears were holding his mouth back, his words back.

 

"Now or never!" Guan Shan told himself, this moment was going to be the one key for his future, today was probably going to be the last day he was going to see him ever again, from now on He Tian -probably- will be forbidden for him. A sin, a crime.

 

"Go on." Guan Shan said, there wasn't any fear now in his voice, only a sudden sadness his heart felt when he has realize it's the last time, it's their end, when the sun rises and he leaves this house, Guan Shan will be walking into a darkness that he wouldn't able to see the light again.

 

And so today he will let himself to be free, he won't be lying, or holding back, he won't let the fear hold himself, he will go after what he wants, what he desires, and it's no other than He Tian. The boy made Guan Shan's life messy, asked doubting questions but also believed in himself, gave him support like he only has seen from his mother, from his family.

 

"Is tonight going to be my final day or what?" He Tian thought to himself while sliding his tongue into Guan Shan's mouth - with consent this time. This kiss was longer and hotter than before - than ever.

 

Without stopping the kiss, He Tian got under Guan Shan's t shirt -actually it was He Tian's t-shirt that Guan Shan browed from him cause he took a shower and had nothing else to wear- a sudden heat warmed his He Tian's finger, the skin touch made redhead's face the same as his hairs.

 

He was moving his fingers on Guan Shan's muscles playfully and kept kissing him with open eyes not to miss any reaction from Guan Shan. He wanted to push him under and take off his-He Tian's- clothes, make a mess out of him, make him come over and over, put a spell on Guan Shan that he won't ever be able to live on without He Tian.

 

But also he was afraid of touching, he was thinking twice before every move, he wanted to be tough with him, make Guan Shan cry with pleasure. He Tian was someone that was-mostly- in control, he often would think ahead of everything.

 

Guan Shan got away from He Tian a bit to breathe, he was kissing him nonstop, he didn’t even have time to breathe, he could be using his nose but everything was too new for him and he didn't know how things were working.

 

"More!" Guan Shan asked, with teary eyes, and shaking voice. He would bet his whole face was covered with a dark shade of pink but his mind was already too blurred to care of anything, to be ashamed of his words, or how was his face looking. All he wanted was to feel He Tian inside him before the sun rise.

 

"Say no more." He Tian said, and lifted Guan Shan with a simple move, he was caring him like he was a princess, those words were enough to destroy all of his fears and walls he was trying to hold. He was ready to let go of the dog, the monster he was holding inside.

 

He was going to fuck Guan Shan senseless and he won't think of afterwards, he won't be thinking of how he will act like tomorrow or at the school. Nothing will matter other than this moment that he was holding Guan Shan between his arms.

 

                                                                                                             ||~~*~~||

 

"You love me, I know you love me, I can see it in your eyes," He Tian said without letting go of Guan Shan, he still was hugging him as tight as he could. "Why can't you just admit it and be with me?" He Tian sighed like it was his last. "Didn't we both suffer enough? Didn’t you suffered enough?"

 

Did he? This was the actual question - the right question to ask, anybody would think Guan Shan has it enough when they would hear all the pain he's been through but not him, not himself. He was feeling like he should be punished more.

 

He should have it worse, cause there wasn't a cause, he just felt unbearable guilty for begin the last person that was alive from his family. His sister deserved more to live, be happy, his mother deserved more, his father too, anyone but Guan Shan.

 

What has he done to be happy? It was the question that mattered. It was the only one question Guan Shan wanted the answer of. What did he do to be loved this preciously and purely by someone like He Tian that had made his life clear and better with all his own, while Guan Shan got down and down, till there was no light, no existence anymore.

 

"Have I?" Guan Shan asked, hoping maybe He Tian had the answers.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this chapter took so long, again, at this point idk what to say anymore about updates ;;;   
> it's just,,,I will finish this series

**Author's Note:**

> A big thanks to taitsu and cotzo for helping me!!


End file.
